Lesbians, vomit and the worst party ever « Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star

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Lesbians, vomit and the worst party ever

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I just realized that I haven’t told you guys about this little party I attended a couple of weeks back. My best friend Jay Lingan’s sister, Joy, threw this awesome party in celebration of her graduation from Miriam College. The best thing about this particular party is that there were a lot of nubile sex kittens in attendance and since Miriam College is an exclusive school for girls, the girl to guy ratio is pretty much working in my favor.

The bad thing is that almost half of the girls in the party were either dykes or in a relationship with one. Thankfully, Joy, God bless her, had no qualms whatsoever in either pimping her single straight friends to me or identifying who the taco-lovers are in the group. So for the most part of the evening, Joy and I were having conversations like this:

Me: [Seeing a girl who kinda looks like Kirsten Dunst walk in] Joy, I honestly didn’t want to attend your party at first mainly because I thought it’s going to suck worse than the last one you threw. And by God, am I thankful that I did because this right here, is fate. That Girl over there[pointing to the 17 year old Kirsten Dunst look-alike] is my soulmate…
Joy: Um, Kuya Mike…
Me: [not really listening] I want to marry her so I can touch her all over; we will have four children, two of which will die of hunger, but it’s all good. We’re going to be so madly inlove…
Joy: I don’t know about that…
Me: [still not listening] We’re going to live in a small ranch, live a simple life and spend eternity with our heartbeats spelling each other’s name…
Joy: But…
Me: [too smitten to listen] So make haste young one, get me your kuya’s guitar, so I can serenade her with crazy for you and win her love with my musicianship…
Joy: She’s a dyke.
Me: We all know how college chicks like you are crazy over…WHAT!? [sees a girl who, this time, looks like Kristine Hermosa] Oh nevermind, how about her? [Pointing to the newcomer]
Joy: That’s her girlfriend.
Me: Seriously?
Joy: yep.
Me: [Sighs] Why don’t you just tell me where the fucking beers are so I can get a good buzz going and just masturbate at home?

This is one thing I don’t get and I would appreciate any explanation you guys can give me regarding this. What do girls see in lesbians? I mean, they don’t have dicks, they can’t fight for shit (I fought one in sixth grade and although I clearly lost the match, I’ve been beaten up worse by guys), AND they have cooties.

There should be laws regarding this! If lesbians really must have relationships with straight girls, please, at least have the decency to leave the pretty ones for us straight guys. I couldn’t care less if you fingerblast the shit out of the ugly ones but leave the pretty ones alone! Or else!

Anyway, as if the lesbians in the party weren’t enough cockblocks, my friend Matthew was also there. Now, there’s a reason why I rarely make friends with guys who look better than me, and that is because guys who look good are the biggest motherfucking cockblocks of them all. Matt’s actually a nice guy, he knows his boundaries as far as making passes on women would go. When we go out as a group and he sees that I’m busy working my charm on a girl I’m interested in, he makes it a point to leave me alone with my business and train his sights on other girls.

The sad thing is that when you look like Orlando Bloom and you’re with a bunch of scruffy looking guys who look like they’re going to jump you with a handkerchief laced with chloroform when they get the chance, it’s HARD not to get noticed. So the rest of the night went on with the rest of the girls in the party flirting with Matt and me and the rest of the group doing what we thought was the best way to deal with it– and that is to consume as much alcohol as humanly possible and be an obnoxious, generally unpleasant bunch.

My night ended when Jay escorted me home after I started making a scene by taking off my shirt, singing Superstar by the Carpenters on the videoke machine and throwing up and basically messing up the place with a pool of the most unsightly vomit in human history. I mean shit, everything I ate was there: bits of mangoes, macaroni, cake, spaghetti, some weird fish shit and the unmistakable froth and malodor of about eight liters of beer.

Not my finest moment. Shit.

Posted by mikey at 3:39 AM | permalink

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