So you read the first part of The Nobleman’s guide to blogging and you say to yourself “I’m not a newbie linkwhore nor am I a snark. Hey! maybe I’m a txtblgger or a techblogger!”
The shocking realization that you don’t belong to any blogger class (which also makes you totally uncool) hits you like a thousand shards of broken glass. You begin to rethink your life. You wonder about the uniqueness and isolation of your individual experience in this hostile universe. You wistfully lift your head and ask:
WHO AM I?
Unfortunately, I don’t know. What I do know is that you are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. But who knows? Maybe you are a:
The Gurly Gurl’s ability to make coherent posts is impaired by prolonged exposure to rave parties and designer drugs which really doesn’t make much of a difference since, most of the time, all they write about are posts about their recent purchases with their Visa platinum card.
The typical gurly gurl’s blog layout consist of animated gifs and a predominantly bright pink color scheme that is sure to cause eye damage to those who view it for extended periods of time. Most of the time, the gurly gurl’s blog takes forever to load thanks to hundreds of high-resolution pictures of them and their ‘gurlfriends’ trying to look cute in some swanky metropolitan bar.
But being a gurly gurl has its perks. One is being exempt from all the rules of spelling, capitalization and grammar. Much like the txtblggr, the gurly gurl pollutes the internet with idiotic posts such as:
LoL I wAz WiT mAh Boo In GloRIEtTA EaRLiEr AnD I GoT ThIZ ReALLy CuTeSIe StUFFed ToY! ThEN We WaTChed A CHiCK FlICk buT I NeeDeD To Go To THe BAtHRooM tO PooP GLiTtEr And ConFettI!! ROFL!!! OH anD I ThINK ReEse WiTHeRsPooN is CUTee!!!
Saturday, March 4, 2006 was a sad sad day for yours truly. You see, I recently turned 24 and even though that age is a year shy from the age when people start undergoing this thing called "mid-life crisis;" I am beginning to feel the physical tolls of my years and years of bingeing and overall carnality. I started smoking at a tender age of fourteen add that to my recent addiction to alcohol, sex and feces and you have all the ingredients to the handsome, albeit, obese and physically unfit man that I am.
I’m in such a sad physical state that I can’t even walk 150 meters without panting like a motherfucker and I also think that I recently developed this back problem because of my bad posture. How sad is that? I mean developing a back problem just by sitting down hunched over a computer all day?
Sustaining a back injury sitting down is not very awesome, so I lied about it to my friends and coworkers and told them that it was from my recent trip to the Himalayas where I killed a big ass unicorn named "Mr. Brown" with my bare hands. Needless to say, nobody believed me and I don’t know where the hell I got the name "Mr. Brown" but it was a good lie nonetheless and I’m very proud of myself.
That’s it. I am DONE with gay jokes. I’ve been getting tons of email (two) lately telling me how my entries are starting to feel like they’re deliberately pieced together, unconvincing and contrived. I would’ve just scratched my head and walked away but I AM guilty of this. It’s bad enough that 70% of my blog entries are veneered, aggrandized lies about my everyday life but fuck it! If I am going to be a fraud, I might as well be a super interesting, eloquent fraud!
Think about it, my writing has become so formulaic that, more often than not, every entry contains one or a combination of the following jokes about:
Also, I’ve been throwing gay jokes so much that my officemates and my family are pretty much convinced that I am gay. Fuckers. Just imagine this discussion I had with my family over dinner last night:
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
