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Panic attack and the power of my sex

Wednesday, April 5, 2006

Um, you guys remember when I told you that I was fucked up? Well guess what: I REALLY AM. I haven’t consulted a psychiatrist yet but apparently, I am suffering from chronic panic attacks. All the symptoms are there; bouts of intense, often irrational fear; heart palpitations; hyperventilation and a weird feeling that I’m choking or being smothered. These symptoms aren’t really new to me as I think I’m also hypertensive and am on the verge of a stroke (and I know this because I get all dizzy and shit whenever I bend down to tie my shoelaces) but what worries me is that my episodes usually cause me to lose control over my emotions and my behavior in general.

Earlier this morning, I was having just a swell time beating off to porn clips I have saved on my computer when all of a sudden I felt all depressed and a plethora of negative images permeated my consciousness. These ‘negative images’ range from absurd thoughts of my testicles being run over by a truck to my family’s house being burned down. Also, I become so fucking scared of dying and a feeling of impending doom engulfs me which is weird because being a borderline atheist/agnostic, the fear of dying usually ranks low in the list of things I fear.

The result of all this is usually me running around frantically in my room, banging my head on walls and inventing colorful ways of killing myself like licking a wall socket or trying to twist my neck beyond its normal range of motion.

The statistics on panic attacks are quite alarming too. 30% of people who suffer from panic disorder resort to alcoholism to cope with it–something that I have been personally taken up after my dad suggested that I drink two bottles of beer everynight to help me calm down. Something which, being the dumbass that I am, I misheard as "Two liters of beer mixed with Extra Joss, a bottle of brandy and about two packs of cigarettes every night" 17% of people suffering from panic attacks turn to drugs to alleviate the anguish associated with their condition and a small percentage resort to suicide.

Okay, I am still traumatized by my last episode so pardon me for not coming up with a more colorful way of saying THIS FUCKING SUCKS. Why does it FUCKING SUCK you ask? Well:

  • I have arbitrarily slapped NUTCASE on my forehead. Nobody dates nutcases, let alone, have sex with them. This, my friends, is not too awesome for my penis (which is about to fall off) and my sex life (which is severely atrophied).
  • I can never win arguments again. EVER. imagine this scenario:

    Person: [Talking about some reality show] I think the skanky Mexican girl will win the next immunity challenge.
     Me:  No dude, I honestly think that the chubby gay guy will form an alliance with the Old ex-Navy SEAL and they’ll win the immunity challenge.
    Person: I don’t even know why I should listen to your opinion.
    Me: Why not?
    Person: Because you’re a nutcase.
    Me: That’s not funny dude.
    Person: What, are you going to panic?
    Me: Well you can call me whatever you want but nothing will change the fact that I humped your girlfriend’s brains out in the store room earlier; that sultry nymphomaniac harlot.
    Person: PANIC. ATTACK.
    Me: [Seizure]

So you see, my friends, I’m in a lot of pain and mental distress right now. I need sympathy! I know I’ve made this call like four times already, but ladies, this time is CRUNCH TIME! The clock is ticking and who knows what could happen to me over the next few days! Nobody knows for sure. I mean, I could be writing orgasmic internet comedy today, but tomorrow, I might be DEAD. OMG!

So if you want to FEEL THE POWER OF MY SEX or maybe get high on my stash of Xanax, drop me an email. 

 

Posted by mikey at 10:42 PM | permalink

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