Speaking at the iBlog summit

Monday, April 17, 2006

Friends, I am seriously fucked. I know you must be getting really tired of this since I say it every chance I get in my entries but this time I’m REALLY fucked. Like Fuckettyfuckfuck Fucked. You see, tomorrow morning, I will be speaking at the iBlog summit in UP Diliman which is like the woodstock of the local blogging scene. The fact that I got chosen to present for my company hasn’t sunk in yet but what I’m sure of is that the decision to give me this responsibility is a monumental lapse in judgment in the part of my superiors.

I mean shit, everybody’s gonna be there! And all of the speakers are more or less experts in what they’re going to talk about. Check out this part of the program:

Problogging: Professional Blogging and Blog Monetization
by Abe Olandres

Blogging as a Profession: From Full-Time Employee to Full Time Blogger
by J Angelo Racoma

Putting Search Engines to Work for your Blog
by Marc Hil Macalua

Now these guys are awesome; but where do I, the guy who spends more than half of his work day posting entries about how he can’t get his dick up unless he hears the tortured screams of the innocent, fit in? I mean, I know I’m a rising internet star and I get marriage proposals and handjobs from thousands (possibly even millions!) of my adoring fans and all that but this is just way out of my league.

So if any of you are going to the iBlog summit tomorrow, I just want to tell you that I expect you to just shut up, listen and just let me get on with my presentation; because God knows i’m goinna punch you in the throat if you ask even one question.

 

Things you shouldn’t talk about on a first date

Face it, the Internet is a putrid cesspool brimming with socially atrophied individuals who’d rather beat off to an animated progress bar of their favorite peer to peer software than go outside and socialize and interact with other people. I am, and always have been such an individual. I met my first girlfriend through the internet and broke up with her only a month later after she finally sent me her picture and I found out that she was a hideously obese girl with downs.

I was devastated. I mean I told her millions of times over IRC that I “<3" her; and I really did enjoy talking to her because she made me “LOL” and even “ROFL” all the time but I guess that’s just the way things fall into place in this sad, sad virtual world. That’s when I realized that the internet wasn’t the proper venue to look for “<3" ; in fact, I also started to feel that “<3" might not even be real! What the hell does “<3" mean anyway? Does it mean that my mental age is less than three? I’d like to think not.

But I was never a quitter. I decided, with much apprehension, to leave the comfortable familiarity of my 14.4 kbps modem to look for “<3" "IRL". This of course was harder than I thought. Spending years of trying to find “<3" on Internet chatrooms and bulletin boards turned me into a socially incompetent buffoon who’d tuck his tail between his legs, whimper, and run on the mere sight of a girl who’s even remotely attractive.

 

 

But I’d like to think that I have gotten better. I have my ups and downs (but mostly downs) as far as finding “<3" "IRL" is concerned and I write this article with you in mind. I’d like to help you to make the same difficult transition I’ve gone through from the typical fat, internet degenerate who doesn’t have the requisite social skills to even ask for directions, to an individual likable enough to be “<3" by members of the opposite sex or at least someone who doesn’t cream their pants whenever a girl shakes your hands simply because the word “handshake” reminds you of the sound your old dialup modem makes when it connects.

One thing you should know about women is that they are very much like men. Except maybe for the fact that they’re much more irrational and weird. Plus they don’t have penises; they have this thing called a clitoris which is basically like a really small penis, only uglier, smellier and it like squirts blood monthly or something. But the thing that really differentiates women from men is that unlike us, they do not judge their dates solely on appearance.

So you can only imagine how critical the first date is. The first date often decides what course the rest of your relationship with the woman would take. Depending on how you do on the first date, you can either trick women into having something that slightly resembles sex with a you after your date OR get yourself in a really expensive lawsuit that, along with your huge gambling debts, would haunt your heirs and immediate family long after you’re dead.

So without further ado, I give you the list of things you should avoid talking to women about on a first date.

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