Things you shouldn’t talk about on a first date

Monday, April 17, 2006

Face it, the Internet is a putrid cesspool brimming with socially atrophied individuals who’d rather beat off to an animated progress bar of their favorite peer to peer software than go outside and socialize and interact with other people. I am, and always have been such an individual. I met my first girlfriend through the internet and broke up with her only a month later after she finally sent me her picture and I found out that she was a hideously obese girl with downs.

I was devastated. I mean I told her millions of times over IRC that I “<3" her; and I really did enjoy talking to her because she made me “LOL” and even “ROFL” all the time but I guess that’s just the way things fall into place in this sad, sad virtual world. That’s when I realized that the internet wasn’t the proper venue to look for “<3" ; in fact, I also started to feel that “<3" might not even be real! What the hell does “<3" mean anyway? Does it mean that my mental age is less than three? I’d like to think not.

But I was never a quitter. I decided, with much apprehension, to leave the comfortable familiarity of my 14.4 kbps modem to look for “<3" "IRL". This of course was harder than I thought. Spending years of trying to find “<3" on Internet chatrooms and bulletin boards turned me into a socially incompetent buffoon who’d tuck his tail between his legs, whimper, and run on the mere sight of a girl who’s even remotely attractive.

 

 

But I’d like to think that I have gotten better. I have my ups and downs (but mostly downs) as far as finding “<3" "IRL" is concerned and I write this article with you in mind. I’d like to help you to make the same difficult transition I’ve gone through from the typical fat, internet degenerate who doesn’t have the requisite social skills to even ask for directions, to an individual likable enough to be “<3" by members of the opposite sex or at least someone who doesn’t cream their pants whenever a girl shakes your hands simply because the word “handshake” reminds you of the sound your old dialup modem makes when it connects.

One thing you should know about women is that they are very much like men. Except maybe for the fact that they’re much more irrational and weird. Plus they don’t have penises; they have this thing called a clitoris which is basically like a really small penis, only uglier, smellier and it like squirts blood monthly or something. But the thing that really differentiates women from men is that unlike us, they do not judge their dates solely on appearance.

So you can only imagine how critical the first date is. The first date often decides what course the rest of your relationship with the woman would take. Depending on how you do on the first date, you can either trick women into having something that slightly resembles sex with a you after your date OR get yourself in a really expensive lawsuit that, along with your huge gambling debts, would haunt your heirs and immediate family long after you’re dead.

So without further ado, I give you the list of things you should avoid talking to women about on a first date.

Never tell your date that you’re a Ninja

Okay so you’re a Ninja. And every one knows that Ninja’s are fucking awesome.

Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it. These guys are so crazy and awesome that they flip out ALL the time. I heard that there was this ninja who was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw a ninja totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.

But NEVER tell your date that you’re a Ninja. This complicates things. First of all, as cool as Ninjas are, nobody likes them. You might be doing fine on your date, saying all the right things but nothing ruins a date faster than admitting you’re a Ninja.

Also, restaurants don’t serve Ninjas. So one second you’re in a place where little angels flutter in the sunlight, giddy with love and the next, you find yourself in a backroom getting your fingernails pulled out by a fat chinese chef.

Never talk to your date about your Sexual fetishes

Sexual fetishes are never good conversation pieces on first dates if you want to leave a good first impression. Although it’s understandable for you to try and get your date horny by talking about sex and sounding sensual, this should be done with utmost subtletly. You could throw hints like “Hey I have an RJ11 cable that fits snugly into my phone sockets at home.” But it should never go beyond that.

Keep in mind that there is such a thing as overshare, and if you go into detail about how you cannot get your purple-headed warrior up unless you hear the muffled cries of a baby being smothered by a pillow, then you might as well froth in the mouth and fake an epileptic seizure. At least that way, you wouldn’t have to pay for dinner.

 

 

Never talk to your date about Religion

This is something I learned the hard way. I was talking to this girl I was dating over drinks and we were having a good time until I got too buzzed for my own good. I then started talking about how I think that the Christian God is a Pink Unicorn and how much I would like to cut off his horns and sell it to an antique shop or trade it for five lines of cocaine that I would snort off the butt crack of a brazilian prostitute.

It turned out that she was a devout christian and she went on this long tirade about how it’s not too late for me to repent and accept the word and love of God. This, of course, got me so pissed so I slapped her in her fey mouth and told her about how I think Jesus looks like that guy who sang that annoying photograph song.

And yes I’m talking about you Kristine, you think it’s funny to have the cops arrest me for hitting you? You’re just lucky the local jail serves good food and the inmates didn’t anally rape me.

 

 

Don’t talk to your date about your mental affliction

Like the sexual fetish rule, I learned this one the hard way. Most women are good listeners and are more or less empathic when listening to whatever problems you might have.

But when I started telling my date about how I sometimes want to dissect pregnant women and use the fetus as a soccer ball, she excused herself, leaving me alone in a cloud of my own cigarette smoke and my shame.

She didn’t invite me to her birthday too. Bitch.