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Hot Friday night, Blog changes

Saturday, April 29, 2006

First things first. I have decided to change the name of this blog from "The Id configuration" to "The failures in life of Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star. Also awesome."  Why you ask? First, because I think the new title better describes what I’ve been writing about lately (And what I’ve become- A rising internet star, thank you). Second, when I started this blog, I was trying to come off smart so I decided to go with a title that references Freud’s structural theory. I thought that by doing this, I’d be able to exude genius and easily solicit sex from adoring female readers.

But I’m really not so crazy about exuding genius nowadays and all I want to get out of this entire blogging gig is, well, get some sexing from adoring female readers. I mean come on people, I’ve been doing this for eight months now and all I’ve been getting are measly marriage proposals from people whose genders are debatable. So we have to step this up! We have four months left before this blog celebrates its anniversary and what have I gotten out of it? Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing. Not even one measly blowjob.

So for those of you who are still iffy with the idea of getting it on with one of the Internet’s hottest commodities, you better get to it. I mean it can’t be THAT bad. You’re probably thinking "But you’re totally unattractive and unhealthy. Plus I heard you tried to poison your mom with detergent." But what you don’t know is I’m absolutely charming in person. I don’t know why I’m even soliciting sex over the internet when I could easily come up to any girl in a bar, drop an ultra-smooth pickup line like "Hi girl, I’m a boy. And I want to fuck you. In the mouth.", at which point the girl would make a moaning sound, comply without protest but will get weirded out as I pull out a picture of Tirso Cruz III from out of my pocket and cry when I near climax. Needless to say we will never speak again.

But I prefer geeky internet girls; you know, those ones with cute rectangular emo-looking glasses and those who know how to parition a hard disk on a linux machine.

I just turned myself on with that description.

On another blog related note, a lot of people have been emailing me why I have the commenting system off in my blog. The answer is it’s the natural progression. When I first started blogging, my self esteem for the day was directly proportional to the number of comments I get on a blog post. But a blogger of my stature really shouldn’t care. I mean does Heather Armstrong have comments on? How about Michelle Malkin? Exactly.

–

Anyway, Friday night was a very stressful night for me. I went out with my good friend Maffy and several of her office friends. This entire thing was stressful for two reasons: one, I don’t know exactly how it happened, but apparently I’m broke. Not broke in the "Whose dick do I need to suck around here for food" sense but more in the "I can’t spend on booze because I need every penny I have right now to get me through to next pay day" sense. Two, It’s extremely fucking hot even at night. For some people, this isn’t a big deal. I mean, I even see metrosexual call center monkey types walking in the scorching afternoon sun with trenchcoats on (Fucking losers). But being the fat, unhealthy guy that I am, I am not looking forward to doing anything that involves me stepping out of an airconditioned room. The humid warm blanket that greets me when I step out of an airconditioned room causes me to sweat like a bitch after only 5 seconds of standing outside.

So I totally wanted to ditch the entire thing. The problem was I already promised to go several days prior and you know how girls get all "BUT YOU SAID YOU’D GO! I HATE YOU *POUT*" when they get stood up. So instead of going through the hassle of apologizing like crazy and trying to make it up to her for the next couple of weeks, I just decided to go.

Maffy and her officemates were hanging out in a place called Tiendesitas which is arguably the worst place to go drinking on a hot summer night. The place is so fucking hot and almost always packed with yuppies and tourists who think that listening to a stupid showband and going around purchasing overpriced local handicraft gives them a taste of the true Filipino culture. Anyway, as expected, when I met up with Maffy and her gang, I was drenched in sweat. It also didn’t help that I was wearing a brown, body hugging shirt; so you know, the sweat on my chest and tummy left gross-looking, sporadic splotches on my shirt.

Thankfully, none of them were like really hot chicks so that kinda made me feel better. I mean who cares if one of them was like "Is your friend okay Maffy? He’s sweating profusely and his face is turning red. And why is he making out with the waiter?" Well guess what, I’m famous and you’re not. bitch.

Anyway, after several bottles of beer, I managed to cool down and stop sweating. But then my depression kicked in and totally ruined my night. Tiendesitas on a Friday night is not the best place to be for a buzzed, lonely, internet star who’s just now slowly beginning to pick himself up from the effects of severe panic attacks. Not only was everybody else in the joint happy, but young couples everywhere were making out. They had their arms around each other, walking arm-in-arm or singing and dancing with the band while I, being the sad little fuck that I am, just sat there sobbing loudly into my hands while I shook in jealousy, sadness and lust.

After leaving Tiendesitas and dropping Maffy off to her place, I got myself several bottles of strong beer from the convenience store determined to get drunk by myself at home. It was actually the highlight of the night for me. Me, sitting in a corner of my room, drinking beer by my lonesome while listening to Coco Lee’s before I fall in love over and over while crying.

So yeah, that’s all I remember because I think I blacked out after my seventh bottle. I do remember topping my less than wonderful evening off by masturbating in front of the mirror, falling down and standing up again a couple of times because it’s very hard to jack off while standing up piss drunk with your boxers around your ankles. It really is.

Well anyway, that’s me. I hope you fuckers had a better friday night than what I had.

Posted by mikey at 8:53 PM | permalink

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