There are two yearly occasions I dread most: Christmas and my birthday. During those times of the year, I pray hard for one thing to happen, and that is for someone to hit my mom’s head hard with a blunt object so that she could develop temporary amnesia and forget that I’m her son for a few days.
My wish may sound selfish, no, spiteful; but my mom is crazy! And I don’t mean “cute” crazy. Not “Gives me baths and does nothing all day but follow me around and embarass me in front of my friends by telling them how I used to eat my own poop when I was young” crazy. I mean, she does that but I wouldn’t really call her crazy just for that. She’s a perfectly sane person in every other aspect but she is simply not capable of giving me a Christmas or birthday present that I could actually use and enjoy. If this Christmas, I open a present from my mom and find a used prophylactic and three paper clips, it would mean that God, after years of totally ignoring me and being a jerk, has finally paid a little attention to me and made my wish of receiving a useful gift from my mom come true. Either that, or it’s my dad playing Santa Claus again. Boy, he sure loves that Santa costume. When I was young, I even caught him wearing it without the silly red pants while playing wheelbarrow with my mom. Ah, I digress.
To give you an idea on how awful my mom is with the entire gift giving thing, let me show you a list of some of the things I received from her over the last two or so years:
Thankfully for me, there’s this upcoming “special day” where I could sink my furious talons of revenge into my mom’s mortal flesh. That day, ladies and gentlemen, is called Mother’s day. Make no mistake, it’s PAYBACK TIME! Now it’s MY turn to give her useless gifts! My turn to watch her feign gratitude and appreciation for a thing that is totally useless to her. ME! MY! MINE!
So read on and learn a thing or two. Who knows, maybe you’re terrible with this entire gift-giving thing too and would like to learn how to make yourself much more terrible with it. Maybe you hate your mom and would like to ask me how you can poison her with common household chemicals (again my email is god [at] man-blog [dot] com). Or maybe you gave up on this article several paragraphs ago and proceeded directly to write me an email about how much I suck (I would like to remind you though that my mail client blocks emails with misspelled words like “SCUK!” or “STUPET” and “FAGGORT”; Please learn how to spell, it’s not that hard really.)
You know for a fact that your dad has been fucking his secretary. She told you herself after you fucked her yourself. So it’s fairly certain that dear old mum hasn’t been getting any. Give the poor woman some release and buy her the sluttiest dress you can find. Take photos and pimp her out on the internet.
Or go the direct route and take her late at night to your city’s Red light district where hopefully, she gets picked up by Israeli tourists who have 14-inch cocks, genital warts and a host of other HPV’s.
Take your mom out…
Or rather, let your mom out!
treat your mom out on this very special day. Let her out of the basement you’ve been keeping her to make fake Kobe Bryant shoes so she can get some sun for 20 minutes. Let her walk in the yard. You may opt to make full use of the time by making her mow the lawn and clean your car too! Hey, talk about optimization.
Quite literally. Eat your mom. I mean it’s not like the government hasn’t been feeding us the recycled bodies of people who have used government-sponsored euthanasia centers.
You think that’s canned sardines you’re eating? Well think again buddy boy, because those are pieces of people killed by the government in an attempt to keep knowledge of this form of cannibalism from the general populace.
What, you also think it’s 2006? It’s actually 3099 and you have been living a lie! Your ancestors failed to achieve sustainable development and they failed to put a stop to pollution and global warming. Fuel and food are scarce and the world is overcrowded.
The world is in the brink of a Malthusian Disaster and you should eat your mom—before somebody else does! OMG!
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
