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Poseidon: A non-expert movie review

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Summary

 

 

A telltale sign of a shoddy movie: a sloppily printed poster

Once upon a time, people dressed in night gowns and tuxedos, drinking ostentatiously chichi cocktails were about to welcome the new year aboard a big ass cruise ship called Poseidon. Now this is no ordinary cruise ship too, It has like eight stories and has elevators in it right? So I guess it’s kinda expensive to be on this cruise or something.

So everything’s like going smoothly, the rich dad-looking people including Kurt Russel were like playing poker , smoking tobacco and they were like betting so much money. Kurt Russel’s daughter on the other hand, was like “This is boring, let’s go to the disco so I could rub my ass on your crotch” to her boyfriend and her boyfriend was all like “You know it girl!”

 

 

Then there’s like 20 more minutes of character development, you know, the part where the audience get to know the characters before they go into action. During this period of time the audience learns that Richard Dreyfuss’ character is gay and he wants to die because his boyfriend left him and rode another cruise ship.

The audience also learns that Kurt Russel’s character was Mayor of New York and was a firefighter or something. We also see The guy from Sweet Home Alabama flirting with this single mom who has an autistic lookig kid who always gets lost. So presumably The guy from Sweet Home Alabama is smooth and beds a lot of girls right.

 

 

We also catch a first glimpse of an annoying guy with a mustache who’s like rude to girls (as exemplified by his spanking of the waitress’ ass when he asked her to get him a beer) and a French stowaway who fucked this nondescript crewman who worked in the kitchen or whatever you call that place where they cook food in the ship.

Also, there’s a special guest appearance of the skanky-looking girl from the black eyed peas singing and shaking her booty. I also think there’s a hidden plot here somewhere; maybe she has this affair with the black captain of the ship because they were like all hugz and kissiez when they were about to die.

AND THEN…

SPOLIER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! A BIG ASS WAVE STRIKES THE SHIP AND TIPS IT OVER SPOILER ALERT!

 


A big ass wave strikes the ship and tips it over! Holy shit! A lot of people are dead like in Titanic and pearl harbor! A lot of them just like went overboard and drowned! And because everything’s upside down, some of them hit the ceiling and died! Lots of people dead! OMG!

 

Now a group of survivors realize their only chance is to make their way to the deepest bowels of the ship, which is now at the top(because the ship is upsidedown, get it?), if they are going to have any chance of getting out and being rescued.

So they like climb up and I didn’t really get what was going on but I do remember Richard Dreyfuss’ kicking off this waiter who was hanging on to his leg because they’re like hanging on to a ledge in an elevator shaft and they Kurt Russel and Sweet Home Alabama guy can’t pull both of them up and one of them has to die so Richard Dreyfuss (whose character was gay) was like “I’m sorry love.” and kicked him off, holy shit! he died!

So they go through all sorts of trouble to get to the propellers and try to exit from there only to find out that they can’t because the big ass props of the ship will mince them dead! OMG! So one of them has to go to this room where they could shut off the propellers and they could all get out.

Unfortunately, the aforementioned room was submerged, you know, because the ship was UPSIDEDOWN and it was too far too and nobody can hold their breath that long. So Kurt Russel was like “I’ll do it, there’s nothing fair about who lives and who dies.” and her daughter’s boyfriend was like “I was a swimmer in high school and I have a better chance than you, sir!”

But Kurt was already gone and dying watery death inside the room where they could shut off the propellers before her daughter’s boyfriend could argue. So Kurt Russel’s character manages to turn off the propellers and manages to kill himself and his career in the process.

And the remaining people managed to get out and find themselves a life raft. The end. The audience walks out shaking their heads in disgust.

Verdict

This is a really bad movie which I wouldn’t recommend to anyone because:

  • It’s racist – Notice that all the survivors were all pasty-white caucasians and none of them were black or asian? Sure they tried to compensate for this blatant bigotry by casting a black guy to play the Captain of the ship but even that, I feel, isn’t enough. The world is so much better without racism movie makers sirs.
  • Crappy poster – The promotional posters were printed UPSIDEDOWN; given this glaring printing error, how do you expect the movie makers to deliver a quality movie?
  • Factual Errors – Richard Dreyfuss’ character was gay and YET he was able to jump across elevator shafts, hold his breath underwater, kick off a straight guy who was holding on to his leg. Also, There was a constant creepy sexual tension between Dreyfuss’ character and the French stowaway. Gay people don’t do these, movie makers sirs, they suck cock.
  • No love scene – The closest thing to a love scene in this movie was that scene where Kurt Russel was giving the French stowaway mouth to mouth. Titanic may have sucked hairy balls but at least we got to see breasts and that steamy car sex scene between Leo and Kate Winslet. Please keep this in mind the next time you decide to make a movie, movie makers sirs.

Rating

I give this movie a rating of 2 Leonardo DiCaprio collages:

 

Posted by mikey at 9:20 PM | permalink

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Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

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