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I am become death

Friday, May 19, 2006


I have written before how I am suffering from panic attacks. I can’t say I’m all well now, but I’m coping. For those of you unfamiliar with Panic attacks, it’s basically a disabling episode wherin one experiences intense fear and discomfort.

The crux of the fear I’m feeling in my case is death. My episodes last no more than 30 minutes wherein I usually lose control over my general behavior and my emotions. During this period, I usually end up doing really retarded shit from running around naked to shitting on my hands and throwing it at passersby.

Also, I’ve been seeing a shrink who prescribed Xanax and a bunch of other anxiolytics (which I have been abusing and getting high on) to help me cope with the depression that comes with the panic attacks.

But in one of my therapy sessions, my shrink told me that the best way to treat my attacks is psychotherapy and cognitive-behavior therapy which involves recognizing unhelpful patterns of thinking and reacting, then replacing these with more realistic or helpful ones.

So given that thinking too much about death is what, most probably, is triggering my panic attacks, I shall now try to deal with this in a lighter perspective. Today I’m going to write about the wonders of dying. It’s a lighthearted article and is quite a pleasant departure from my usually serious articles about fat people and emo goth faggots in MySpace.

Also, the aforementioned shrink I’m seeing is hot and all but I can no longer afford her services given that I have been spending all of my money on drugs and my “girlfriend” over at the massage parlor. It’s no big deal really, my shrink doesn’t really do anything but sit there, listen to me talk about my aggrandized achievements, write stuff on her handy dandy notebook while biting her lower lip looking all cutsie and shit. So you, my friends from the internet, are going to be my new therapy. I shall go on and ramble about death like I know everything about it and you, in turn, shall leave comments about how great I am and how my grammar is immaculate. Please don’t let another moderately funny internet humor writer die! Read!

What is death

Death is the leading cause of dying in the world. It is the thing that happens after living and before becoming a zombie. There’re myriads of reasons why people die including but not limited to:

  • Disease
  • Murder
  • War
  • Famine
  • cessation of breath and/or heartbeat
  • refusal to live
  • Death

The common notion about death is that it’s inevitable and that there’s no escaping it. Death, in most cultures, is personified by a becloaked, disgusting old geezer holding a sickel called the Grim Reaper.

How to stop death

In truth, there is ONE way to stop death and it’s through a procedure called THE MELVIN. This is a very difficult procedure which requires great timing, a pleasing personality and stage presence. Allow fellow editor Pau and I to demonstrate how it’s done:

Mike: Dude!

Pau: What?

Mike: We’re dead!

Pau: To-hotally?

Mike: J-yeah.

Grim Reaper: [appears from a cloud of smoke]Did anybody. Say. DEAD?

Pau and Mike: THE GRIM REAPER! BOGUS!

Grim Reaper: Now follow me.

Pau: Where we going?

Grim Reaper: A place called hell.

Mike: Hell sucks! No way!

Grim Reaper: Yes way.

Pau: Grim Reaper, dude, your shoes are untied!

Grim Reaper: [Looks down at his shoes]

Pau and Mike: [Pushes Grim reaper down a cliff and into a lake of burning sulfur.]

Grim Reaper: [Wilhelm scream]

Pau and Mike: MELVINED! [Air guitar]

 

What you can do to make death fun

Unfortunately for the rest of you who are not blessed with enough awesomness to pull off a Melvin, there is no real way to make death fun. The best you can do is to stall it, try to accept it, and try to prolong your miserable existence in this mortal plane.

How do you do that?

  • Kill other people. The more people you kill in the world, the less people there will be that can kill you. The world is very cruel and the only way to ensure your survival is to make sure others don’t survive. I have been living under this rationalism and I wouldn’t be a successful junior executive who earns tons and tons and money if it weren’t for it.
  • Take comfort in knowing that the average human being only lives 2 Billion seconds; now, if I were to hazard a guess: you, dear reader, are in your late 20’s. How many seconds do you think you have left? Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
  • Also, you can take comfort in knowing that not only you can die but also the following:
  1. Your mom
  2. Your dad
  3. Your siblings
  4. Flowers
  5. Microsoft Windows
  6. Everything you love and cherish

Even the great Microsoft Windows isn’t immune to death.

 

So you see my friends, death isn’t that bad. It’s as much fun as walking in eternal damnation. Without legs! So yeah, go ahead and die now. :) :) :)

Posted by mikey at 3:29 PM | permalink

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