It’s been about a week since I declared war against my obesity and promised you, the adoring public, that I will start working out again. The main problem is that much like Fascism, the fundamentals of my great idea sounds simple enough in theory: Put on leotards, enter the gym, run like an idiot for an hour on a stupid contraption called a treadmill which goes absolutely nowhere; go home and masturbate to the reflection of my greek god physique in the mirror. What’s difficult, as with most plans, is implementation. When I made the decision to stop being a fat bastard a week ago I really meant it; I really tried to go to the gym regularly.
Okay I did it once, like you assholes really care. I came in wearing a ratty old pair of basketball shirts, high-cut Chuck Taylors and an MP3 player thinking that looking different is "trendy." Much to my chagrin, the gym I intended to work out regularly out off is brimming with sultry sex kittens sporting their sexy spandex, pedalling on their cute little stationary bikes. And if you think working out in a room filled with beautiful, physically fit women while looking like a hobo from the 1980’s isn’t reason enough for me to yield; then maybe the fact that I know absolutely nothing about gym equipment is. The gym is full of complicated-looking contraptions and most of my time is spent struggling to figure out what it is exactly the contraptions do, sitting down on a bench, whipping out my clamshell phone and pretending to talk to a business associate to look cool, giving the machine another try, then finally giving up, walking away in shame as I subtly wipe the single tear rolling down my cheek.
So let me give you an update on where I currently am with this entire gym thing: Where I am is the sports bar where again, I am guzzling beer, enjoying a moment of immoderate self-indulgence and broadband Internet access. Here’s where I feel comfortable; Here I am among peers, and although I doubt if anyone of them would remember me when I bump into them where ever(Well they better; I mean picked up the tab didn’t I?), the self esteem I gained from this is more than what any gym can ever give me. I love this place, and I cherish every memory this place has given me that it has gotten to the point where I sketch the layout of the bar on a piece of paper at night and rub my bosom with it to sleep. I probably should stop now.
(The last paragraph sounds like a really bad speech, I know. Fuck you.)
–
Although I usually don’t reply to emails, I want you to know that I try to read all of them; sometimes I even print out the good ones and wipe my ass with them. But I feel that it behooves me to answer a few that I have gotten recently since I find their subjects rather intriguing. For some reason, people have been comparing me to Jessica Zafra . I don’t know much about Jessica; I know she’s a published writer and I know she hosted this talkshow with this autistic-looking DJ and this chick with an annoying accent; but other than that, she’s just another familiar-sounding name to me. The only thing we have in common is that we’re both famous (Just play along, okay?). Anyway:
From: Martin <martinjohn888@xxxxx.com>
To: Mike Villar <god@man-blog.com>
Subject: <none>
nice entry… mikey, you’re a threat to jessica zafra… 
I honestly don’t know what to make of this one. Does this mean that my writing prowess(which includes my immaculate grammar, my excellent command of comedic allegory, and my obsessive preoccupation with bulletpoints) surpasses that of Miss Zafra’s? I think not, because if this was the case, I would’ve been made a book offer already. Again publishers, my email address is god [at] man-blog [dot] com. My punctuation could use a little work and most of my ideas are unoriginal (and often plagiarized) but I can entertain for hours.
What Martin meant most probably is that I am a physical threat to Miss Zafra. Let me tell you a secret: I often blackout, and I’m known to do really strange things unbeknown to me. So I have three questions for Miss Zafra:
If you answered yes to the first two questions, I want you to know that I might be the father of the child you are bearing and I am willing to take full responsibility for it. And by full responsibility I mean I’m willing to give you two thousand pesos a month to stop bugging me; use the money for milk or gambling, I don’t care. If you, however, answered yes to the third question, I would like to make it clear that we haven’t personally met and that I don’t have any veneral disease(that I know of).
Now a question to myself: Is this post enough to warrant another restraining order?
Moving on:
From: Prozac <prozaczf@xxxxx.com>
To: Mike Villar <god@man-blog.com>
Subject: Great writing
For some insane reasons…you remind me of Jessica Zafra. lol
Unless Miss Zafra is clincally obese, has halitosis, dark underarms and likes to spend her free time slitting her wrist while listening to Sarah Mclachlan songs looped in her MP3 player, your comparison is baseless. She’s an established writer and I’m a moderately famous blogger. Such travesty.
Moving on to the not so awesome ones:
From: Lina Inverse <fatalblowjob@gmail.com
To: Mike Villar <god@man-blog.com>
Subject: PUT ME IN YOUR RETARDED EMAIL
Sir,
Personally i find ur account regarding friendster atrocities entertaining at first glimpse. However, it came to my senses, which i believe you have as well, that somehow the TITLEatrocities. There are several definitions that are somehow relative to each other such as "shockingly cruel act", "extreme cruelty", or "something very bad". Well, there are just people who wants to post themselves to be recognized by thier friends. Remember, this online activity is a way to bridge communication gap between people. There ain’t no atrocity or violence on that; it is thier art - a form of human activity - its just a way for them to express themselves that each and everyone of us must respect. I also know about certian mischiefs and anomalies in this activity such as hacking, duping and as of the like things which I believe you should consider as a form of atrocity.
You might think I was included in your list but still, I’m not. Yet, in your future works, it would be more pleasing to me if you would change the title "atrocity" to something funny even if your script is quite an insult. [If I would be included on that I would even email it to my friends]. Maybe you should try posting your own picture and let us see whether your looks are aesthetically pleasing that no one would dare to insult you
I know you wouldn’t reconsider my suggestion and prompt in an ordinary-one-word-reply, but just post it in your blogs as an retarded e-mail. Thank You!
^^ Ang akin lang naman, bilang tao, e tigilan mo na ang pangiinsulto sa kapwa mo… pero sa tingin ko nga you have your space [so much for your constituents] to degrade people, since i believe we are of different species, were human biengs and probably you’re Martians??? [dunno]
Aniwie’z, there’s no point arguing wid u though… We people, have the highest form of intelligence that is shown on how we express ourselves with respect to others… Sorry kung nagkamali ako dahil akala ko tao ka din… Nevertheless, I’m still impressed with the way you can communicate with us… But don’t think that with your lexicon, it puts you and me in the same level of genus… Definitely not…
*Make your next reply relevant and something that can prove your philosophical side… indi ung mga tanong n linihis mo ung usapan… Hahaha, I think di mo rin tlaga maexplain ung side mo… nevertheless, ill just try to understand it…
*Its nice to have a conversation with a different form of life…
*Sorry for my Bad English, I’m not literary inclined person
I’m sorry to say that I haven’t read this email primarily because there are only a few things shorter than my dick: and one of them is my attention span. Can somebody read this email and send me a summary?
And as a final note: VALIDATION OF MY FAME .
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
