The Atrocities of Friendster: Speed dating edition

Thursday, June 1, 2006

You may or may not know that somebody has created a hate site dedicated to yours truly. Apprently, the owner of the hate site was someone I featured in Volume 3 of AoF.

Hello ladies!

Now, when I first started the Atrocities of Friendster series, I know that I will, sooner or later, deal with victims, bleeding heart moralists, adult men in diapers and the like; what I didn’t know was that posting stuff on the internet was covered by the same libel laws as that in real life and I thought that since the internet is mostly an unmoderated medium, my right to free speech grants me the liberty to call people “fags” on the internet without having to worry about the police busting down my door, lobbing flash bangs into my living room to flush me out, destroying my extensive collection of Ming vases in the process.

So you see, I don’t know much about how the internet works. Actually, I don’t know how anything works; all my life, I believed that the internet was part of Satan’s vast plot to reduce humanity into nonexistence and make the entire planet blow up like a giant piñata filled with faggots and ugly people. How the hell was I supposed to know that posting some ugly dude’s pic on a website would cause that dude’s unbridled hatred to manifest itself in the form of a hate site? Check out all the info he managed to dig up about me:

Full Name: Michael Joseph Alinan Villar B.K.A. Mike Villar
Aliases: Adam Mordo, v1ll4r
Email addresses: v1ll4@yahoo.com, mike.villar@gmail.com
Friendster URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=3578238
Known addresses:
1st: 261 Talisay St. Hillcrest Village, Camarin road, Caloocan, 1117
2nd: 1100 Evergreen st. ValleyView Caloocan, 1117
Cel: +639186250544
Sites: man-blog.com, thestreamlinetimes.ph, mikey.i.ph

Oh my God! He knows everything about me! He even has my Home address and my Mobile number. What if he comes over my place, plant an explosive device under my car that is set to detonate on ignition? What if I’m having sex with Kate Hudson and he calls me up on my cellphone and says something really stupid like “The princess is in another castle”? That would totally kill my erection! The possibilities of him dealing serious damage to my life is virtually limitless! Holy shit!

Nevermind the fact that all the information he has can be acquired by any ten year old kid with internet access by doing a WHOIS on your domain, I’m fucking scared! And on that note I want to make a public apology—By signing him up for a speed dating session! I mean he probably has his panties wound up in a bunch because he’s not getting any. And with a face like that, I wouldn’t be surprised.

For those of you unfamiliar with Speed Dating, Fritz wrote a really crappy article about it. Here’s an excerpt:

it’s actually like a taste-test, pardon the pun, where fifteen to twenty five singles are given 3 to 5 minutes to converse with one attendee. At the end of the night, all searching-men should have conversed with all the searching-women participants of the event.

I was even kind enough to cover our friend Leo’s speed dating night and feature it here on The Man Blog. Let’s check out how it went:

Hi my name is Jenny, I am a doctor specializing in psychiatry. What’s your name? What do you do for a living?

My name is Keyshawn, I am a web deve—

Your nametag says Leo, well anyway…

So I’m a liar now?!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to ca—

I can’t believe how superficial you are. So what if I spend 8 hours in front of a computer working on my AutoCAD? So what if I have a face that looks like it got run over by a moped? Oh my god I’m crying! Look what you did!

Now please—

Go away! Leave me alone!

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Hi! I’m Amy! I love music!

I like Sarah Mclachlan.

Oh. My. God. Are you serious? I love Sarah McLachlan! Have you heard her—

Her song was playing in the background when I slit my cat Fifi’s carotid artery and pressed my lips to the opening—

Oh my God are you serio…

I loved her so much, the act of drinking the hot wine of her heart made us one. Nothing could separate us now; not even you mom! You stupid, sadistic whore!

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Hi my name is…

No fat chicks.

Excuse me?

You heard me right tubs, I said NO FAT CHICKS.

You are very mean. Sure I might be a little—

No. Fat. Chicks.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Hey handsome! My name is Diane!

Hello Diane my name is Leo, can I smell your hair?

H-huh?

I love hair. You know, I kept a lock of my ex-girlfriend’s hair along with some of her toe nail clippings.

Th-that’s sweet I guess, what do you intend to do with them though?

I intend to create a penis ring made out of hair. That way, she’d always be part of my sexual activities. The toe nail clippings would simply enhance the sensation. So Diane, do you want to be first to feel the power of my sex?

Oh my God! What are you doing? Please put your penis back in your pants!

Unhhhhh, just stay still bitch! And can you say “Mathematics and advanced Quantum Physics” ? Slowly please. And in a seductive bedroom voice please. Unhhhhh

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Hi Leo, I’m Dustin, I am the organizer of this event. Enjoying yourself so far bud?

This sucks. I don’t know why people even bother signing up for shit like this.

Well honestly, I’m not too crazy about it either. I’m only doing this because there’s a market for it. The same reason why people watch those stupid dating shows like Blind DateThe Fifth Wheel. I mean come on, the only reason why anybody ever watches shit like those is because deep inside their cold black hearts, they’re hoping that something will happen: Like somebody fucking up or the couple getting into a horrible fight, hopefully while stabbing each other.

I like you. You are a very deep. Is you anus as deep as your reasoning?

S-sorry?

I think I love you Dustin. I love you so much it hurts. or