Rappers say the darndest shiznit

Monday, June 5, 2006

I recently sat down with a group of spades rappers and asked them three questions. Hilarity ensues.

Yeah, so I’m too lazy to write a longer introduction. And you’re fat, so fuck off.

Question 1: What do you feel about the Da Vinci Code and the uproar it is causing within the Catholic church?

Nelly: All I can say iz dat I th’o’t Dan Brown iz uh motherfucking idiot an’ he should burn in hell—GHETTO HELL! ya’ll is mad stupid in HURR!

Lil Jon: OKHAAAAAAYHHH!!!

Snoop Dogg: I dont really care `bout no diznamn movie. They should makes a movie `bout me instead . It’s your homie snoop dogg from the dpg! Passion of tha Snoop D oh double g you kizzy wizzy I mean? Now pass me tha weed man in tha dogg pound!

Will Smith: HA-HAH! Jesus Christ has been uh big part o’ muh ma WIKI-WIKI-WIKIlife an’ it really offends me as uh christian dat books an’ movies like dis here exist. But muh ma WIKI-WIKI-WILD-belief remains steadfast an’ it will take mo’ than uh book or uh movie ta shake muh ma WIKI-WIKI-WIKI-WIKI-WIKIsure foundation dat iz Jesus Christ what ‘chew thinking man? It’ da WILLENNIUM!

50cent: Like muh ma fuckin dog Snoop Dogg over here, I don’ care much about da fucking Da Vinci code nig. All I care about iz dat I’m fucking rich, I’m rolling in money an’ I gots enough cars ta clog up da motherfucking interstate. G-UNIT!

What can you say about racial discrimination? How it changed this past decade?

Nelly: OH OWWWW wait a minute now! Oh OWWWWW! In M-I-Crooked letter-Crooked letter-O-U-R-I where I live, da 5-0’s don’ bust muh ma fuckin balls too much anymo’. But maybe dat’scuz I’m uh famous rapper now an’ dey don’ got sheeit on me In THURR.

Lil Jon: WHUUUTTTTTT?!

Snoop Dogg: Im too fuck’n stoned ta care. besides, if some white boi tries ta discriminate mah dee oh double gee ass, im gonna makes him kiss tha rims of mah bulletproof escalade fo sho mah playa so bow down to the bow wow. where tha fucks tha weed man?

Will Smith: HA-HAH! I believe dat da world iz uh bettah place without WIKIWIKIWIKIWILDracism. Thankfully, I feel dat wiff all da movements dis here past few years, it has let up. and git WIKI-WIKI-WIKISheniquah’s ass back ova’ heeah. Come on man it’s tha WILLENNIUM!

50cent: The niggers gots been oppressed uh lot an’ I don’ care if dey discriminate muh ma fuckin ass cuz I’m uh survivor. I got fucking smok’d 9 times an’ I’m still alive. And I got money in da club G-UNIT! just like mammy.

How do you react to the claims that the entire rap subculture promotes violence?

Nelly: OI! OH OH OH OH! Sorry nig, I’m not into dat sheeit. I try not ta be uh bad influence ta muh ma fuckin fans an’ listeners. They can say all da sheeit dey wants about taking it ta da streets but I just wants ta do muh ma fuckin thin’. ANDALE-ANDALE-MOMMY-EI! OH OH!

Lil Jon: YEAAAHHHHHHY!!!

Snoop Dogg: I stand by tha west side . Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house! And if violence is needed, tizzle bet mah motherfuck’n ass theyll git violence . It’s your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. Like mah dogg 2Pac Shakur said: “Grab yo glocks when you see 2Pac”; you can say tha same fo` me, “Grizzab yo pipes when you see Snoop Dizzay” How long does it takes you ta git me mah motherfuck’n weed thick nigga?

Will Smith: I don’ involve myself in dat entire WIKIWIKIWIKIeast coast-westcoast; WIKIWIKIWIKIWILDnorth coast-south coast thin’. Actually, I don’ cuss in muh ma fuckin records so I guess dat makes me bettah than all da WIKIWIKIWIKIWILDrappers out dere. what the fuck sup now? It’s The WILLENNIUM THAT’S WUT’S UP!

50cent: I like shooting peeps. I like shooting dem wiff muh ma fuckin Glock, muh ma fuckin AK47, muh ma fuckin UZI, muh ma fuckin Bazooka, muh ma fuckin RPG an’ mi MIG29. I don’ care where da fuq you from, east coast west coast muh ma fuckin ass. G-UNIT! with muh beeotch!

Lil Jon: IT’S THE MOTHERMOTHER REMIX!!!!!!

Lil Jon: YEAAAAAHHHYYY!!!! OKHAYYYYYHHHH!!!!!! WHUTTTT!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!! YEAHHHHHYYYY!!!!