The past few weeks have been nothing less than harrowing for me. For those of you who don’t know, other than being an internet superstar, yours truly works for an Internet Company that comes up with nifty web apps such as this blog publishing platform I’m using for this famous blog. You might be asking why it’s necessary for an internet superstar such as myself to have a day job when clearly, the ad revenues generated by my site can more than pay for my lavish lifestyle and my recent addictions to expensive whores, cocaine, blood and feces (as always, just play along and use your imagination, thanks)
Well let’s just say I find fulfillment in my employment and being farmed out laborious tasks; tasks which I use as excuses to spend exorbitant amounts of time writing retarded shit on the internet and generally furthering my internet fame.
(If my bosses are reading this, I just want to say that this is fiction and I’m writing this on a weekend. And I don’t have even the slightest hint of what this entire "Internet rockstar" thing that they speak of is all about. Also, I think somebody’s using my computer, if you check the History on my browser, you’d find that there are numerous visits to an interracial gay porn site. And you know, it’s impossible for me to visit sites like this because I’m clearly straight and I’m an absolute workhorse who would NEVER even think of using company time to surf gay porn sites during office hours while rubbing my crotch with an empty C2 bottle. That is all.)
Anyway, that’s an awfully long preamble to what I want to say which is part of my job responsibility is send I.ph’s numbers through the roof and I’m far from my target so email all your friends or something and tell them how awesome I.ph is. I even prepared a generic email below; feel free to send it to whatever mailing lists you’re part of.
Dear [Person]
Hi, I know we haven’t spoken since you walked in on me while your sister/brother was giving me head in your room. Whether the reason why we haven’t spoken all this time was because you cared so much for your brother/sister and you didn’t want him/her to have anything to do with a convicted child molester such as myself or the consternation the sight of my infantile penis/my gaping, murky vagina caused you is out of the question now.
The reason why I’m writing you is to let you know that I have moved on; and I am hoping that you have too. I’m also writing you to tell you that I would do everything (especially if it’s easy) for us to bury the hatchet and be friends again. No really, the reason why I’m writing you is because I need your help.
You see, there’s this guy who calls himself an internet superstar; he’s extremely fat but he can move like lightning. He blogs over at http://mikey.i.ph and he has been following me home lately, threatening to inflict serious physical harm on me with his shoe if I fail to coerce 50 of my friends to sign up for an awesome I.ph account by the end of this month.
He also ran over my face with his segway and told me that he’d eat my unborn children if I don’t tell everybody how awesome his site is and how you should visit it everyday. He also said he’s single, he earns loads of money and he would never hit a girl without ample provocation.
So please, sign up for an I.ph account today and begin creating an I.dentity!(He thought of this buzzword and he says this is why he gets paid big bucks; he’s an idea person) I.ph allows you to aggregate all the data you have scattered all over the web into one convenient page. From social networking sites like Friendster, MySpace and Multiply to photo hosting sites like Flickr, pbase and phpotobucket and dig this–Even your Myspace Videos!
I.ph! Raise blogging to an artform! Yay!
Your friend in Christ,
[Your name]
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This is easily the most retarded video I’ve seen. I’m seriously hoping that I’m not related to the person who made this because the mere thought of me and him having the slightest similarities in our genes makes me shudder in disgust. And lust.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
