Guess who’s going to get some mad sexing (and why Makati sucks)

Last wednesday, my dad managed to con me into going with him to one of his night outs with his friends. Now, for more reasons than one, this does not bode well for me. For one, all my dad's friends are terribly old: I'm not talking about 40-ish old here but rather "DOM's whose faces look like they're decomposing and I'd have a grand night picking off maggots crawling on their arms old" . And while I do not have any problem with hanging out with people like these–actually, I don't have any problem hanging out with anybody as long as beer's flowing and as long as the venue offers ample amusement for me while they talk about golf, their grandson with downs or what not. Secondly, even if the venue turns out to be okay and the beer indeed free flows, I have work early the following day and if we're going to stay there after midnight, I'm going to end up terribly late (which I did, and I made up some really lame lie about me having an appointment with my shrink. My boss totally bought it. Sucker. Just kidding if you're reading this.)

As it turns out, my dad and his friends were going to hang out in some bar in Makati where 80's cover bands perform. I'm not going to mention which bar this is because endorsements in this blog cost money and because I sort of karate chopped one of the waitresses in the back of her head after I got all drunk and shit. So yeah, I might have a restraining order coming to me in the next couple of days, but let's just wait and see. Anyway, here are a few random observations I made about Makati:

 
Makati is sooo uncool

I haven't been in Makati for years now so I'm not familiar with the entire night scene culture over there. Apparently, correct me if I'm wrong, you can no longer smoke inside any bar in Makati. Now this fucking sucks; I don't know how you Makati brats do it, but I can't picture myself going on a night out without being allowed to smoke whenever I want, where ever I want. I can think of a few things that match the joy brought about by guzzling down beer while smoke from a newly lit cigarette suffuses the stale air around me. I mean this might sound lame but it sure beats smoking outside the brightly lit parking lot where people are free to stare and laugh at my ugly, acne-infested mug. I simply look better in the dark. And in photoshopped pictures with a lens flare somewhere.

Makati people are soooo uncool

I don't know if it's just the fact that I work in an I.T. company where I'm used to seeing everybody go to work wearing shirts, jeans and terribly unfashionable argyle socks or maybe it's because I simply fucking hate yuppies. I mean okay, sure, you go out and party wearing your expensive long-sleeved button down shirts and Armani ties; speaking in broken, bourgeois English that annoys me to no end; but it doesn't change the fact that, on any given day, I have more money in my wallet than you assholes do (just play along). So suck it! [D Generation X crotch chop]

Also, how can you have any respect for people dancing to Spandau Ballet while drinking chi chi cocktails on a wednesday night? That's probably the gayest shit I've ever seen. And you have the chutzpah to laugh at me because I was wearing an oversized plaid shirt with sneakers, listening to my MP3 player and drinking Red Horse? Hah! Happy Faggers day Lo-hoosers! 

Makati chicks are soooo hot but…

They have the worst fucking taste in the world when it comes to men. My loathing for chicks who go out with men whose faces look like windows to everything ungodly is well documented on this blog. My recent night out in makati, however, served only to stir up my hatred. For a good four hours that I was observing people in the bar, I noticed that the chicks were going out with:

• hairy caucasians
• 40 year-old fat accountant types
• Dykes

Now I understand perfectly why you girls want to party with caucasians. I mean, if there's anything women look for in a guy, it's definitely a big bird. Now caucasians are the kings of the big cock castle (So I'm told. Not that I would know). And even if I find this very shallow, I'm going to let this one go because the average Filipino male (myself included) is hung like a longganisa from ilocos. So yeah, whatever.

But what breaks my heart is seeing beautiful young girls getting it on with old, balding Filipino men. I think my soul wept when I saw one hot girl who kinda looked like Jaime King make out with an old geezer who looked like an extra from an old Rudy Fernandez movie. WHY!?! WHY!??????

…

…

[Wipes semen off the screen, puts bird back in pants]

Nevermind.

The highlight of the night

Okay here's the fun part. As I was downing like my eighth bottle of red horse and building up enough hatred and lust within me watching people have a good time; I received an SMS on my phone: It was Katherine. Now, for those of you who just tuned in, Katherine made a forgettable cameo on this entry. I'm sure you're too lazy to click that link, let alone read the entry so let me just explain what sort of "relationship", if you can call it that, me and Kat had:

Kat was a girl who recognized me in a college reunion during my early internet celebrity days. We flirted, we dated, one thing led to another, a fetus flushed down a toilet bowl. 

I wish.

Actually, our relationship sort of ended on the first date. Well I guess it's all my fault really, having a chronic rockstar complex, I kind of preempted things by expecting her to sleep with me on the first date. The coup de grace was me reserving a hotel room and not getting to spend even one minute in it. I guess all I'm saying is that I've been a total douche. But her message totally blew me away:

Hi Mike! Are you at work? Let's meet up! I miss you so much! 

I'm not going to bore you with details of our text conversation but I can tell you that I'm going out with her again this weekend. From the look of things, this has all the signs of a mind-blowing booty call. So yeah, uncle Mike's gonna get some poontang and have a wild pantless popsicle night and he wants you to go apeshit with envy!