When my English fails me

Thursday, June 29, 2006

One of the downsides of being an internet star like myself is that even the people you work with read your stuff. Just the other day, my officemate Sanjay was reading my "Hi I'm Mike Villar. Please love me" post and he was laughing his cute little Indian head off which is the sort of reaction I want to elicit from my readers. One thing you have to know about Sanjay is that well– he's Indian, and he's kinda slow and he has moments where he'd just say the phrase "gay for Apocalypse" over and over. What a lo-hooser!
 

So anyway, he came across the word ululate somewhere in my post and being that he's slow, Indian, and he's undergoing chemotherapy or something, he let out a really weird-sounding grunt, said something about well, being gay for Apocalypse and asked me what ululate means.

Admittedly, I didn't have an exact definition ready so I dictionary.com'ed his Indian ass and confidently said "It means to howl, wail or lament loudly, I can't believe you don't know what that means."

Now, everything would've been perfect if I left it at that, but no sir, I had to pretend like I'm the chauvinistic alpha male/father figure/Indian God he's always looked up to so I said:

"That's what happens when I turbo fuck a guy in the ass"   

After I said that, the Kid's face was a portrait of utter disillusionment. Kinda like the face I made when I was eight and found out that contrary to what my parents have been telling me, Papa Jesus didn't give that Red Rider BB gun I've always wanted since I was five even if I prayed every single fucking night.

Now I can explain. Even with my extensive training in American English, accent neutralization and my vast experience in helping Americans get rid of their pop-ups through the telephone, I still get my words mixed up sometimes; especially the "hims, hers, shes and hes."

I would've explained this to Sanjay but I had a gut feel that acting all defensive might cast more doubt on my sexuality. So, I did what I thought was best to redeem myself. I said:

"Anyway, I have to go now. My girlfriend is waiting for me downstairs. We're so going to make love tonight man, you know, because that's what straight men do–make love to their girlfriends. Like wild, sloppy animal sex and totally not gay."

I just hope he believes me. But he's slow so he probably will.

–

Also this morning, I was talking to Darren Rowse of ProBlogger.net fame. We were talking about the possibility of him doing a review for the Web App we're launching. Everything's going smoothly until I said:

"The product's on beta right now, but I could give you a Sneeekk peeek of what we're working on."

I fucking meant "Sneak peak". He hung up on me.