The past few weeks have been nothing less than harrowing for me. For those of you who don’t know, other than being an internet superstar, yours truly works for an Internet Company that comes up with nifty web apps such as this blog publishing platform I’m using for this famous blog. You might be asking why it’s necessary for an internet superstar such as myself to have a day job when clearly, the ad revenues generated by my site can more than pay for my lavish lifestyle and my recent addictions to expensive whores, cocaine, blood and feces (as always, just play along and use your imagination, thanks)
Well let’s just say I find fulfillment in my employment and being farmed out laborious tasks; tasks which I use as excuses to spend exorbitant amounts of time writing retarded shit on the internet and generally furthering my internet fame.
(If my bosses are reading this, I just want to say that this is fiction and I’m writing this on a weekend. And I don’t have even the slightest hint of what this entire "Internet rockstar" thing that they speak of is all about. Also, I think somebody’s using my computer, if you check the History on my browser, you’d find that there are numerous visits to an interracial gay porn site. And you know, it’s impossible for me to visit sites like this because I’m clearly straight and I’m an absolute workhorse who would NEVER even think of using company time to surf gay porn sites during office hours while rubbing my crotch with an empty C2 bottle. That is all.)
Anyway, that’s an awfully long preamble to what I want to say which is part of my job responsibility is send I.ph’s numbers through the roof and I’m far from my target so email all your friends or something and tell them how awesome I.ph is. I even prepared a generic email below; feel free to send it to whatever mailing lists you’re part of.
Dear [Person]
Hi, I know we haven’t spoken since you walked in on me while your sister/brother was giving me head in your room. Whether the reason why we haven’t spoken all this time was because you cared so much for your brother/sister and you didn’t want him/her to have anything to do with a convicted child molester such as myself or the consternation the sight of my infantile penis/my gaping, murky vagina caused you is out of the question now.
The reason why I’m writing you is to let you know that I have moved on; and I am hoping that you have too. I’m also writing you to tell you that I would do everything (especially if it’s easy) for us to bury the hatchet and be friends again. No really, the reason why I’m writing you is because I need your help.
You see, there’s this guy who calls himself an internet superstar; he’s extremely fat but he can move like lightning. He blogs over at http://mikey.i.ph and he has been following me home lately, threatening to inflict serious physical harm on me with his shoe if I fail to coerce 50 of my friends to sign up for an awesome I.ph account by the end of this month.
He also ran over my face with his segway and told me that he’d eat my unborn children if I don’t tell everybody how awesome his site is and how you should visit it everyday. He also said he’s single, he earns loads of money and he would never hit a girl without ample provocation.
So please, sign up for an I.ph account today and begin creating an I.dentity!(He thought of this buzzword and he says this is why he gets paid big bucks; he’s an idea person) I.ph allows you to aggregate all the data you have scattered all over the web into one convenient page. From social networking sites like Friendster, MySpace and Multiply to photo hosting sites like Flickr, pbase and phpotobucket and dig this–Even your Myspace Videos!
I.ph! Raise blogging to an artform! Yay!
Your friend in Christ,
[Your name]
–
This is easily the most retarded video I’ve seen. I’m seriously hoping that I’m not related to the person who made this because the mere thought of me and him having the slightest similarities in our genes makes me shudder in disgust. And lust.
I recently sat down with a group of spades rappers and asked them three questions. Hilarity ensues.
Yeah, so I’m too lazy to write a longer introduction. And you’re fat, so fuck off.
Nelly: All I can say iz dat I th’o’t Dan Brown iz uh motherfucking idiot an’ he should burn in hell—GHETTO HELL! ya’ll is mad stupid in HURR!
Lil Jon: OKHAAAAAAYHHH!!!
Snoop Dogg: I dont really care `bout no diznamn movie. They should makes a movie `bout me instead . It’s your homie snoop dogg from the dpg! Passion of tha Snoop D oh double g you kizzy wizzy I mean? Now pass me tha weed man in tha dogg pound!
Will Smith: HA-HAH! Jesus Christ has been uh big part o’ muh ma WIKI-WIKI-WIKIlife an’ it really offends me as uh christian dat books an’ movies like dis here exist. But muh ma WIKI-WIKI-WILD-belief remains steadfast an’ it will take mo’ than uh book or uh movie ta shake muh ma WIKI-WIKI-WIKI-WIKI-WIKIsure foundation dat iz Jesus Christ what ‘chew thinking man? It’ da WILLENNIUM!
50cent: Like muh ma fuckin dog Snoop Dogg over here, I don’ care much about da fucking Da Vinci code nig. All I care about iz dat I’m fucking rich, I’m rolling in money an’ I gots enough cars ta clog up da motherfucking interstate. G-UNIT!
Nelly: OH OWWWW wait a minute now! Oh OWWWWW! In M-I-Crooked letter-Crooked letter-O-U-R-I where I live, da 5-0’s don’ bust muh ma fuckin balls too much anymo’. But maybe dat’scuz I’m uh famous rapper now an’ dey don’ got sheeit on me In THURR.
Lil Jon: WHUUUTTTTTT?!
Snoop Dogg: Im too fuck’n stoned ta care. besides, if some white boi tries ta discriminate mah dee oh double gee ass, im gonna makes him kiss tha rims of mah bulletproof escalade fo sho mah playa so bow down to the bow wow. where tha fucks tha weed man?
Will Smith: HA-HAH! I believe dat da world iz uh bettah place without WIKIWIKIWIKIWILDracism. Thankfully, I feel dat wiff all da movements dis here past few years, it has let up. and git WIKI-WIKI-WIKISheniquah’s ass back ova’ heeah. Come on man it’s tha WILLENNIUM!
50cent: The niggers gots been oppressed uh lot an’ I don’ care if dey discriminate muh ma fuckin ass cuz I’m uh survivor. I got fucking smok’d 9 times an’ I’m still alive. And I got money in da club G-UNIT! just like mammy.
Nelly: OI! OH OH OH OH! Sorry nig, I’m not into dat sheeit. I try not ta be uh bad influence ta muh ma fuckin fans an’ listeners. They can say all da sheeit dey wants about taking it ta da streets but I just wants ta do muh ma fuckin thin’. ANDALE-ANDALE-MOMMY-EI! OH OH!
Lil Jon: YEAAAHHHHHHY!!!
Snoop Dogg: I stand by tha west side . Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house! And if violence is needed, tizzle bet mah motherfuck’n ass theyll git violence . It’s your homie snoop dogg from the dpg. Like mah dogg 2Pac Shakur said: “Grab yo glocks when you see 2Pac”; you can say tha same fo` me, “Grizzab yo pipes when you see Snoop Dizzay” How long does it takes you ta git me mah motherfuck’n weed thick nigga?
Will Smith: I don’ involve myself in dat entire WIKIWIKIWIKIeast coast-westcoast; WIKIWIKIWIKIWILDnorth coast-south coast thin’. Actually, I don’ cuss in muh ma fuckin records so I guess dat makes me bettah than all da WIKIWIKIWIKIWILDrappers out dere. what the fuck sup now? It’s The WILLENNIUM THAT’S WUT’S UP!
50cent: I like shooting peeps. I like shooting dem wiff muh ma fuckin Glock, muh ma fuckin AK47, muh ma fuckin UZI, muh ma fuckin Bazooka, muh ma fuckin RPG an’ mi MIG29. I don’ care where da fuq you from, east coast west coast muh ma fuckin ass. G-UNIT! with muh beeotch!
Lil Jon: IT’S THE MOTHERMOTHER REMIX!!!!!!
Lil Jon: YEAAAAAHHHYYY!!!! OKHAYYYYYHHHH!!!!!! WHUTTTT!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!! YEAHHHHHYYYY!!!!
You may or may not know that somebody has created a hate site dedicated to yours truly. Apprently, the owner of the hate site was someone I featured in Volume 3 of AoF.
Hello ladies!
Now, when I first started the Atrocities of Friendster series, I know that I will, sooner or later, deal with victims, bleeding heart moralists, adult men in diapers and the like; what I didn’t know was that posting stuff on the internet was covered by the same libel laws as that in real life and I thought that since the internet is mostly an unmoderated medium, my right to free speech grants me the liberty to call people “fags” on the internet without having to worry about the police busting down my door, lobbing flash bangs into my living room to flush me out, destroying my extensive collection of Ming vases in the process.
So you see, I don’t know much about how the internet works. Actually, I don’t know how anything works; all my life, I believed that the internet was part of Satan’s vast plot to reduce humanity into nonexistence and make the entire planet blow up like a giant piñata filled with faggots and ugly people. How the hell was I supposed to know that posting some ugly dude’s pic on a website would cause that dude’s unbridled hatred to manifest itself in the form of a hate site? Check out all the info he managed to dig up about me:
Full Name: Michael Joseph Alinan Villar B.K.A. Mike Villar
Aliases: Adam Mordo, v1ll4r
Email addresses: v1ll4@yahoo.com, mike.villar@gmail.com
Friendster URL: http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=3578238
Known addresses:
1st: 261 Talisay St. Hillcrest Village, Camarin road, Caloocan, 1117
2nd: 1100 Evergreen st. ValleyView Caloocan, 1117
Cel: +639186250544
Sites: man-blog.com, thestreamlinetimes.ph, mikey.i.ph
Oh my God! He knows everything about me! He even has my Home address and my Mobile number. What if he comes over my place, plant an explosive device under my car that is set to detonate on ignition? What if I’m having sex with Kate Hudson and he calls me up on my cellphone and says something really stupid like “The princess is in another castle”? That would totally kill my erection! The possibilities of him dealing serious damage to my life is virtually limitless! Holy shit!
Nevermind the fact that all the information he has can be acquired by any ten year old kid with internet access by doing a WHOIS on your domain, I’m fucking scared! And on that note I want to make a public apology—By signing him up for a speed dating session! I mean he probably has his panties wound up in a bunch because he’s not getting any. And with a face like that, I wouldn’t be surprised.
For those of you unfamiliar with Speed Dating, Fritz wrote a really crappy article about it. Here’s an excerpt:
it’s actually like a taste-test, pardon the pun, where fifteen to twenty five singles are given 3 to 5 minutes to converse with one attendee. At the end of the night, all searching-men should have conversed with all the searching-women participants of the event.
I was even kind enough to cover our friend Leo’s speed dating night and feature it here on The Man Blog. Let’s check out how it went:
Hi my name is Jenny, I am a doctor specializing in psychiatry. What’s your name? What do you do for a living?
My name is Keyshawn, I am a web deve—
Your nametag says Leo, well anyway…
So I’m a liar now?!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to ca—
I can’t believe how superficial you are. So what if I spend 8 hours in front of a computer working on my AutoCAD? So what if I have a face that looks like it got run over by a moped? Oh my god I’m crying! Look what you did!
Now please—
Go away! Leave me alone!
Hi! I’m Amy! I love music!
I like Sarah Mclachlan.
Oh. My. God. Are you serious? I love Sarah McLachlan! Have you heard her—
Her song was playing in the background when I slit my cat Fifi’s carotid artery and pressed my lips to the opening—
Oh my God are you serio…
I loved her so much, the act of drinking the hot wine of her heart made us one. Nothing could separate us now; not even you mom! You stupid, sadistic whore!
Hi my name is…
No fat chicks.
Excuse me?
You heard me right tubs, I said NO FAT CHICKS.
You are very mean. Sure I might be a little—
No. Fat. Chicks.
Hey handsome! My name is Diane!
Hello Diane my name is Leo, can I smell your hair?
H-huh?
I love hair. You know, I kept a lock of my ex-girlfriend’s hair along with some of her toe nail clippings.
Th-that’s sweet I guess, what do you intend to do with them though?
I intend to create a penis ring made out of hair. That way, she’d always be part of my sexual activities. The toe nail clippings would simply enhance the sensation. So Diane, do you want to be first to feel the power of my sex?
Oh my God! What are you doing? Please put your penis back in your pants!
Unhhhhh, just stay still bitch! And can you say “Mathematics and advanced Quantum Physics” ? Slowly please. And in a seductive bedroom voice please. Unhhhhh
Hi Leo, I’m Dustin, I am the organizer of this event. Enjoying yourself so far bud?
This sucks. I don’t know why people even bother signing up for shit like this.
Well honestly, I’m not too crazy about it either. I’m only doing this because there’s a market for it. The same reason why people watch those stupid dating shows like Blind DateThe Fifth Wheel. I mean come on, the only reason why anybody ever watches shit like those is because deep inside their cold black hearts, they’re hoping that something will happen: Like somebody fucking up or the couple getting into a horrible fight, hopefully while stabbing each other.
I like you. You are a very deep. Is you anus as deep as your reasoning?
S-sorry?
I think I love you Dustin. I love you so much it hurts. or
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
