For those of you who don’t know, the world is on the brink of a nuclear war. And while this entire thing might sound as generic as the plot of the next Tom Clancy book, the threat, ladies and gentlemen is very real.
Early this month, our communist friends over at North Korea started test-firing nuclear armaments including Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles. The United States condemned the tests as provocative and is putting pressure on other world powers to bring North Korea back to the negotiating table.
Kim Jong Il however remains steadfast and was quoted sayig “Pipapripapap ripapapa papapriipipipippipi” which when translated to English means “North Korea henceforth, will no longer only be known as the world’s top exporter of Kimchi and awful haircuts, but will go down in history as the rogue state that held the world hostage via nuclear blackmail.”
What’s bothering me however is the apparent apathy the government is exhibiting. By now, the government should be offering guides on how to survive various forms of nuclear assaults considering the proximity of our country to North Korea and how easily one of their missiles can erase our country from the face of the Earth.
I don’t know about you guys, but I am determined to survive this impending nuclear holocaust threatening our proud nation. I have decided to put my vast resources and my team of scientists to the task of compiling realistic methods for us to survive the nuclear holocaust that may or may not await us.
The first thing you have to ask yourself is whether or not that explosion you saw was indeed a nuclear blast. Now if the huge ball of heat you see is even slightly hairy, chances are you are a faggot and you are looking directly at my giant left testicle.
However, if only seconds after you saw the giant incandescent ball of heat and radiation and you go blind then feel searing pains in random parts of your body, then that my friend is a nuclear blast. Your loss of vision could be attributed to the fact that the radiation just burned out your iris and the pain you’re feeling throughout your body is the all-consuming burst of radioactive fucking death that expanded from ground zero and has made its way to you, demolishing buildings, turning wrought iron to soup and disintegrating the flesh and blood of millions of civilians in the process.
Also, bear in mind that the effects of a nuclear blast might not be instantaneous. A nucleaf blast often scatters deadly clouds of radiation hundreds of kilometers above the point of impact. It’s really hard to say exactly how radiation affects people, but most of the time, it will take days before all your hair falls off and you start to vomit blood and intestinal linings through your nose. Mutation might also occur and it’s very possible that when you emerge from your nuclear bunker, you’d look like this:
Unlike earthquakes, hiding under the table or a doorframe wouldn’t suffice. If you watched enough Rambo in your lifetime the best way to survive any fiery death is by submerging yourself in water. If you have a swimming pool, put on your favorite pair of speedos and immediately dive into it. With enough luck, the defilade created by your swimming pool will protect you from shrapnel and debris and the water would provide you with temporary protection from the heat.
This will serve to prolong your otherwise doomed life and force you to bear several minutes of unworldly pain as the water around you boils and your skin melts to reveal your internal organs which are just about ready to fly apart.
Although unproven, the effects of nuclear radiation can go as far as turning an entire city into a legion of undead mutants who feed off the guts of non-mutated survivors.
These are who you want to hang out with, nevermind that you’re not mutated yourself because, mark my word, you are doomed anyway. Superglue doll appendages to your head and follow the roving legion as they pillage the burnt, forlorn streets of your once great city to feast on the guts of survivors unfortunate enough to be outside after dark.
If you’re lucky enough to survive a nuclear blast, never discount the possibility of chemical agents suffusing the air you breathe. With this in mind, you have to find a way to filter the air you take in by creating a makeshift gas mask.
There are numerous ways of going about this like getting a plastic bag and putting it over your head while securing it by tying a rubber band or belt around your neck.
Doing this might cause you to experience nausea and eventually, weakness. Worry not, because this means that the plastic bag is working hard to protect you! You might feel the urge to pass out and begin to hallucinate or see the world around you dissolve into one surreal dream of rivers of blood, vibrating metal tentacles and giant squirrels with penises on their foreheads. It’s okay, go ahead and take a nap and wait for Jesus to wake you up.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
