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Early this month, our communist friends over at North Korea started test-firing nuclear armaments including Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles. The United States condemned the tests as provocative and is putting pressure on other world powers to bring North Korea back to the negotiating table.
Kim Jong Il however remains steadfast and was quoted sayig “Pipapripapap ripapapa papapriipipipippipi” which when translated to English means “North Korea henceforth, will no longer only be known as the world’s top exporter of Kimchi and awful haircuts, but will go down in history as the rogue state that held the world hostage via nuclear blackmail.”
What’s bothering me however is the apparent apathy the government is exhibiting. By now, the government should be offering guides on how to survive various forms of nuclear assaults considering the proximity of our country to North Korea and how easily one of their missiles can erase our country from the face of the Earth.
I don’t know about you guys, but I am determined to survive this impending nuclear holocaust threatening our proud nation. I have decided to put my vast resources and my team of scientists to the task of compiling realistic methods for us to survive the nuclear holocaust that may or may not await us.
The first thing you have to ask yourself is whether or not that explosion you saw was indeed a nuclear blast. Now if the huge ball of heat you see is even slightly hairy, chances are you are a faggot and you are looking directly at my giant left testicle.
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Unlike earthquakes, hiding under the table or a doorframe wouldn’t suffice. If you watched enough Rambo in your lifetime the best way to survive any fiery death is by submerging yourself in water. If you have a swimming pool, put on your favorite pair of speedos and immediately dive into it. With enough luck, the defilade created by your swimming pool will protect you from shrapnel and debris and the water would provide you with temporary protection from the heat.
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Although unproven, the effects of nuclear radiation can go as far as turning an entire city into a legion of undead mutants who feed off the guts of non-mutated survivors.
These are who you want to hang out with, nevermind that you’re not mutated yourself because, mark my word, you are doomed anyway. Superglue doll appendages to your head and follow the roving legion as they pillage the burnt, forlorn streets of your once great city to feast on the guts of survivors unfortunate enough to be outside after dark.
If you’re lucky enough to survive a nuclear blast, never discount the possibility of chemical agents suffusing the air you breathe. With this in mind, you have to find a way to filter the air you take in by creating a makeshift gas mask.
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