Sick sick sick and how awesome David Sedaris is

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I'm feeling a little under the weather today so I'm going to keep this update short. I don't know what the hell happened yesterday but I'm thinking it has something to do with being rained on and Greenwich's Big Time meal C (or kanin baboy as I so passionately refer to it) not sitting well; but I woke up this morning with a slight fever and the feeling that a killer whale skull fucked the hell out of my head. </work-related excuse

So yeah, I skipped work and did what I thought was best to alleviate what I supposed was the beginningof a terrible flu which is to pop two Biogesics, drink three liters of Coke and lie down on the couch beating off to random lingerie models I see on Fashion TV. Big mistake.

By 11am, not only was I down with a flu but was also suffering from the most explosive case of diarrhea ever. It was so bad in fact that there was a point where I just lay there in a fetal position while I catch poop spurting out my ass with my hand, throwing it on the wall and (occasionally) eating it.

Being the big pussy that I am, the fact that my mom left me to attend to our family business didn't help either. I need her to be with me when I'm sick; you know, to give me a sponge bath and scratch my underarms until I fall asleep and shit.

I popped two diatabs and managed to sleep for three hours and the strange thing was when I woke up, the fever and the diarrhea were gone; all what's left was the headache and a burning sensation I feel on my penis (because of the shaving lotion. You know for the lingerie models. It was the only thing I could find. Fuck you.)

Anyway, since my head still hurts like fuck, I asked my brother to drive me to Shangri-La EDSA to have my books signed by David Sedaris. I got to the venue just in time to catch David in the middle of reading one of his essays. After reading Me Talk Pretty One Day, I've always thought that David had this really nastly lisp when he talks but to my surprise, his speech was pretty much okay. (He kinda sounds like Carson Cresley, only more boring but okay nonetheless)

I waited for my turn to get my books signed and randomly switched from making fun of other people and checking out chicks waiting in the crowd with me(No luck on the chicks part. All I saw were like fat chicks wearing glasses and like weird Goth chicks who hiss and spit at you when you get too close to them). Finally it was my turn. I went through this before in my head and I wanted to say something really funny to David when it was my turn to have my books signed. I was thinking of something like giving him an autographed business card and saying something to the effect of "David, from one gay superstar to another–Here's my card" or I'm gonna give him my camera and ask him to take my picture or just go with the battle tested "My blog gets 4,000 page views a day, let's go to my place so I could take a picture of you wearing my clothes and stuff"

Didn't happen. The guy was an absolute motormouth. He didn't even let me sneak in a single cute punchline:

David: (As I approached the table) Well Hello sir! (licking his lips, slightly sticking his tongue out which honestly made me feel a little uncomfortable)

Me: (Handing over my books) Hey man (trying to sound cool), they wanted me to write what I want you to write on my book when you sign it but whatever man, just write something really cheesy.

David: (already signing my books) Like?

Me: I don't know, "No to abortion?", "Read to lead?", "Save the rainforest?", "To the blogging superstar?"

David: "Blogging superstar?" You know, I've heard the word "Blogging" before, but what is it exactly?

Me: Well it's kinda like an online diary…

David: You see, that's one thing I never understood, the Internet. I think I've only been "online" four times my entire life. By the way, did you grow up in the States?

Me: (confused) No, why?

David: Your accent.

Me: Well I did spend two years stealing American Jobs. You know, answering phone calls and helping the great people of America find telephone numbers and giving them driving directions.

David: (laughs) I see. Where do you live?

Me: A place called fairview which is about an hour away from here.

David: An hour?! How will you get home?

Me: um, drive?

David: YOU HAVE A CAR!? (slides me over the books he signed)

Me: Yeah. (offended for some reason) Okay, Thanks a lot David, it's a real blast meeting you man (offers hand)

David: [shakes hand] No really, you have a car? How old are you? Oh God this is awful! (referring to his bowl of Ice Monster)

Me: Yeah. 24. [Walking away]

Good times. But wait till you read what he wrote on my books:

On his book Barrel Fever, He wrote "Bawal ang umihi dito. -David"
On Me Talk Pretty One Day, He wrote "We'll always have Jollibee. -David"
On Dress your family in corduroy and denim, He wrote "I'm glad you're still alive. -David"

Good times.