Face it, every relationship has its own set of ups and downs, trials and tribulations. Most of the time, these petty, bad-tempered quarrels can be resolved by simply sitting down and talking to your significant other in a calm, level-headed manner that doesn’t involve bashing your girlfriend’s head with a vintage vase then driving around town, running over random homeless people to blow off some steam.
What you have to realize is that most squabbles often result from failing to realize that men and women have distinct differences. For one, men have penises and girls, on the other hand have some sort of foul-smelling organ which resembles a black, gaping manhole.
Now, we understand that realizing these differences can be difficult, that’s why we are providing you with a few simple guidelines to help you learn how to avoid petty squabbles and maintain a loving relationship that revolves around deceit and how to put up a facade that aims to delude your significant other into believing that you’re not half as demented as you really are.
It doesn’t matter whether or not the reason why you’re arguing is your fault—DON’T ADMIT IT. This is a clear sign of weakness and women can smell weakness. They simply will never pass up on the opportunity to constantly bring it up throughout the argument and shall lead to your swift and painful defeat. If you suffer from bouts of panic attacks like I do and use it to justify your actively hostile demeanor, she’ll never let you live it down. The next time you get into an argument, she’ll just go “Oh right, that’s something I’d expect somebody suffering from panic attacks would say” or “Whatever panic boy, why don’t you just tell your brain to produce more serotonin or something HAHA!”
If you find yourself in a bind where losing an argument is imminent, challenge your significant other to a fist fight where the victor is declared to be “right” and the loser is regarded as “wrong-ass motherfucker with the bleeding nose.” Unless you are a paraplegic or just plain gay, the chances of you winning a fist fight against a girl are pretty high. And when you do win, claim your prize by demanding your girlfriend or wife to take a shower and get ready for “sexing time”. All women are pretty much sore losers so nevermind their histrionics and just pretend you’re not hearing them sobbing in the shower.
Most if not all of your girlfriend or wife’s skewed, antiquated beliefs as far as how relationships should go came from their parents. Oftentimes, a girl would use her parents as a benchmark for certain aspects of your relationship: “Why can’t we be just like my mom and dad? They have a perfect relationship.” or “Why can’t you be more like my dad?”
You can rectify this by building a wall between your partner and her parents. Ideally, you can do this by forcing her to choose you over them. Use force if necessary. Liberally drop sarcastic comments that would show her just how totally uncool being a mama’s girl or daddy’s girl is. Say stuff like “Oh I bet YOUR MOMMY told you that guys shouldn’t come home drunk and beat up their women. WRONG!” or “I’m sorry if YOUR DADDY said that I should stop having sex with other women. Also, I’m sorry that your daddy’s gay.”
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
