Free-fucking-style

Monday, August 28, 2006

Saturday, I went out with my friend Maffy to Bagaberde in Pasig to sort of just chill and catch up on what's been going on with our lives. I'm really not crazy about the entire thing because I know Bagaberde to be this bar which showcases such acoustic talents like Paolo Santos and his ilk and I'm really not into that kind of music. Originally, our plan was to watch a movie in The Promenade but since we arrived late and missed the last showing of the movie we were supposed to watch and because Maffy's not much of a drinker which leaves the alternative I had in mind (which is to avail of this 4+1 Colt 45 promo in a cheap grill, get piss drunk, and eventually get erotic with somebody) out of the question, I settled for the next best thing– Go somewhere I can get piss drunk, somewhere Maffy can nurse a glass of mango shake, and somewhere we can watch a live band perform.

Since I haven't been to Bagaberde for close to two years now, I honestly didn't know what to expect. So, imagine my reaction when I finally got to see who's playing that night: wait for it…here it comes…

Freestyle.

 

Free-fucking-style.

I know you're all like “What's so bad about Freestyle? I'm sure they do covers of some songs you like. Plus, isn't their chick vocalist hot or something?”

No. To both questions. Okay well maybe yes to the chick vocalist being hot but the fact that she is hot doesn't sit in well with the almost paralyzing loneliness I've been feeling lately. So you know, all this does to me is make me sink into my pit of self-pity, lust, masturbation and wishing death upon all the happy couples within a 5 mile radius of me.

Anyway, since there was no turning back, I decided to stop being an asshat and tried to make the most of the situation. So almost immediately after we paid the entrance fee (Fucking ripoff. 200 bucks to see a stupid show band?) I got right down to business: I got ourselves a table and ordered 5 Red Horses, Pork Sisig and a mango juice for Maffy.

Bad idea. Turbo-drinking 5 bottles of Red Horse because you're afraid that the bar might close in two hours time and you wouldn't get a chance to order more is just plain dumb.

In no time, much to Maffy's chagrin, my brain shifted from “sheepish, chubby guy” mode to “Douchebag McFly” mode which basically means I started making random observations and making fun of people around us. Some of the observations I made were rather funny and since nothing entertaining has happened to me lately, I think I'm going to share them with you!

Freestyle's bassist was formerly with Barbie's Cradle…and he looks like Bonel Balinguit!

That was the joke. There's nothing else here.

Fat chicks can really sing

I don't know if I'm the only person who noticed this but man, fat chicks can really belt it. You know how show bands like Freestyle sometimes ask members of the audience to come up on stage to sing a song and sort of jam with the band? Well they did that a number of times when I was there and the first to come up on stage was this really fat sow who looked like she drives a Minivan and has STD or something. She was acting kind of diffident at first but when she was handed the microphone she just KILLED THE SONG. I mean really fucking kill it because you know I don't fuck around when I use capital letters like that. She went on with her version of “Through the fire” like it was nothing, hitting every note perfectly and even sneaking in a couple of“yeaahhhh-uh-uh-uh's” in between verses.

But no matter how awesome her singing voice is, nobody could get past her fatness. Her effort and intensity, instead of garnering applause from the audience, elicited comments like “Man, she can really sing, but look at all that motherfucking fat.” or “I could fall in love with her, if only she wasn't fat” or “I bet you have to lift three layers of fat before you can fingerblast the shit out of her.” I know right? People can be so mean.

Okay so the last comment was mine. I'm a terrible terrible man and you shouldn't invite me to parties where there's alcohol because it's inevitable that I'd make comments like the one above if I so much as get tipsy.

A group made up of college chicks is annoying as fuck

Come on, as if the giggling emanating from their fey mouths isn't annoying enough, they also have this unmitigated effrontery to sing along nay, scream with the band like deaf mute retardates. I hate them all to hell and If I weren't so desperate for female companionship I wouldn't have written down my mobile number on a table napkin and wouldn't have “accidentally” dropped it in one of their purses because you know, they're annoying and a man of my stature shouldn't fraternize with them. But yeah I'm lonely and I can't afford to be picky. Whatever.

People who are obviously drunk shouldn't be called up to sing on stage

Okay, there was this other guy who was called up on stage by the band to sing a song after a lot of egging from the guy's friends. So this guy, who's obviously blitzed, comes up on stage amid the cheering of the crowd and prepares to sing his song. He looked like he can sing, the way he holds the microphone tells me he has a lot of potential. The intro riff kicks in and he rocks back and forth on stage looking like he's about to fall off or something.

Then it's time for him to sing and although his voice sounded good for a couple of seconds, the alcohol coursing his veins made sure that it was all downhill from there. The people who, just earlier, were cheering for him now slowly sink their faces into their hands in utter shame and disgust.

My favorite part was when he realized that he was not going to get through singing Bakit Ngayon ka lang with his god awful, drunken monotone voice and he sorta just stepped down the stage and back into his and his friends' table. Everybody in the bar was pretty much perturbed with his performance and everyone's sort of dismayed and sad except for me of course. I was guzzling beer and laughing my ass off while thinking about how I got all erotic with this girl selling Sampaguita a couple of months ago.

That's all I have for you guys today. But before I go, I want to thank everybody who submitted their blogs to Dash Media. This round of submission is now closed and like I said before, out of the 100+ blogs we received, we are going to select 25 to represent the first batch of blogs we're gonna include in the network. Good luck everyone!

[I'd like to remind everybody that if you're female, the size of your puppies matters. So you know, take a picture of them and send them over to mike@dash-media.com. That is all]