Home » Post Item » Off the Grill, technical difficulties of the sexual nature

Off the Grill, technical difficulties of the sexual nature

Monday, September 4, 2006

You may have noticed that the frequency of my posts has dwindled down to two per week at most. This is mainly because I've been swamped with a lot of work lately and has caused my weekday life to become sad, monotonous and uninteresting.

[Of course you, dear reader, have the power to change all this. All you have to do is tell 20,000 of your friends to stop being miserable asshats and sign up for an I.ph blog. Together, we can show those hippie blogspot and livejournal fags how awesome we are. Also, if you're lucky, you can be a rising internet star like me. In like 5 years. If you're lucky. Fuck you.]

Anyway, most of the interesting shit happening in my life happens on weekends. I look forward to weekends so much that in fact, as early as Wednesday, I'm already thinking to myself “Two more days to go tubby! 48 hours more and you'll be spending blissful hours in front of your home desktop PC, beating off while watching the tons of porn you downloaded using the fast office Internet connection, afterwards lighting little candles and crying over the inanity of it all.”

So what has your favorite Internet guy been up to over the weekend? Let me tell you about what I did Saturday: I got together with my high school friends and went over to Timog, Quezon City to this joint called Off the grill to chill out and brag how successful we've become amongst each other.

For those of you who haven't been to Timog, it's this street in The QC lined with bars, karaoke places, massage parlors, restaurants and what not making it an excellent weekend hangout for college kids and mid to late 20 yuppies who, either think that Makati is too far or simply don't earn enough to afford hanging out in better places.

We, however were there for a different reason: nubile, impressionable, pekpek shorts-wearing girls who frequent the place. I'd like to stress that we are just there to sight see; The aforementioned type of girls do not take kindly to our kind(fat, ugly, sex-deprived douchebags) because, I'd like to think, of the age gap. So I'm not holding their disliking of us against them. What I WILL hold against them is my penis while I squeeze between a pack of them as I make my way to the restroom and seriously hope none of them would notice. (Last time somebody noticed, I had to fend off some girl's 250lb boyfriend. The fact that I move like lightning despite my obesity allowed me to handle that situation with relative ease.)

The acoustic band who was playing that night was pretty good. I forgot what they call themselves, but the guy who sings kinda looked like Benjie Paras and the girl who backs him up is this dyke who can do Alicia Keys with no effort whatsoever. What makes them different from Paolo Santos, Jimmy Bondoc and other acoustic fags is that their play list is mostly made up of Hip Hop songs. Now I'm not too crazy about Hip Hop but I know good musicianship when I hear it. I enjoyed their music so much, I think I'm going to plug them here for free:

If it's a Saturday, you're bored and don't have much money; listen to Benjie Paras and Aiza Seguerra perform your favorite Hip Hop songs—UNPLUGGED!– over at Off the grill.

[If anybody from Off the grill is reading this, please realize that my blog is read by thousands possibly millions of people and that plug is easily worth over a hundred thousand pesos. So you know, next time I'm there, why don't you show your appreciation by giving me free beer? Please? I'll suck your bird sir.]

A few hours later, I had a good buzz going on and the novelty of the band is starting to wear off and I was badly wanting some sex. However, the chances of me getting any from the girls in the place, without committing some sort of sexual crime, was close to none so I decided dropping hints on my friends about bouncing and heading over to this massage parlor my “girlfriend”, number 21, worked for. It went something like:

Me: Man, you know what would be nice? If we could take a hot shower to freshen up.

Richard: [ogling at some hot pekpek shorts-wearing chick] Yeah man.

Brian: Where do you suppose we can do that?

Me: I don't know, maybe we could drop by Majestic before it closes?

Richard: I don't know man, I'm kinda short on money right now…

Me: Yeah me too, but it'd sure be nice to take that hot shower and get a massage and stuff…

Brian: [Growing hornier by the minute] It's a Saturday too, I think it's Wet and wild massage night at Majestic tonight.

Richard: What's that?

Me: You haven't been to a wet and wild massage night before? Man you're missing out on a lot. The chicks are going to be wearing cocktail dresses and when you're taking a shower with them, they're going to massage you with their tits and start sucking your bird…

Brian: [To the waiter] bill please.

So that's that, we headed over to Majestic. After a lot of begging, I managed to trick Brian into paying for my and Richard's room which was a sweet deal since I'm going to get guaranteed sex for just a thousand bucks.

So we got our rooms and as always, I picked my “girlfriend” to be my lady for the night. Everything's going great: I just had my hot shower, had my bird sucked by my “girlfriend” and was lying supine, getting a superb massage and was basically just psyching myself up for the hot sloppy (and paid) sex that's about to come. Then, something really cool happened: I started hearing all sorts of love making noises from in the next room.

This went on for close to 30 minutes and I thought it to be the most awesome thing ever. I can't believe it's possible for anybody to have sex for more than 10 minutes(my personal record), that's just insane! I mean, especially since the girl really sounded like she was into it. I'm looking at this entire thing with my own personal experience as far as sex would go in mind. Normally, I'd have to think of some really weird shit in order for me not to ejaculate prematurely like a Bald Mother Theresa sitting on a couch, Fabio, dead kittens, etc. and I have to request my partner to try and not to sound so into it. Hearing a girl moaning in pleasure doesn't really help my cause.

Anyway, I don't know if it was all the sex sounds I was hearing from the other room, but I got excited as fuck. I asked my “girlfriend” to stop the massage and get right to it. So yeah, we were making out and stuff, she was sucking my bird like a turbo tiger and she prepared to mount me but as she did, something really weird happened—she planted her hand on my rib for balance not knowing that I had a bruise which hurt like fuck somewhere in that part of my body.

I don't know where I got the damn bruise nor does it matter, but for some reason, I found myself having “technical difficulties” after that. And I don't mean “Technical difficulties” in the “it's okay, I'll just suck your bird more and we'll get right back to it” sense but rather in the “Where's your bird? All I see is foreskin! Holy shit! I think it retracted back into your pelvic cavity!” sense

Fuck fuck fuck. Good vibes people, I need good vibes! (god at man-blog dot com)

Posted by mikey at 2:14 AM | permalink

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Mike "Fucking" VillarAwesome

"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."

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