Hi,
We've never spoken before, let alone have properly met. And although I have no doubt that you know me through my blog, you are probably unaware that at this very moment, I am sitting right behind you and your boyfriend, pretentiously reading a book about affiliate marketing, using my friend's Airborne Access account unbenknownst to him where I can see you reading my blog. My name is Mike "Fucking" Villar, I am a rising internet star and I want you to know that I want you to be me life partner so I could touch you all over.
From where I sit at the moment I could see you reading and showing my popular, albeit obviously not my best, Atrocities of Friendster post to your boyfriend, who from what I gathered from eavesdropping on your conversation earlier, and the countless times he mentioned the word "ombudsman", is a lawyer. Given the circumstances and the high likelihood that I will get slapped with (another) restraining order, I would restrain myself from saying that your boyfriend looks like a pompous asshole who's totally unattractive and looks so right driving an old 1996 Tamaraw FX. I'm also going to restrain myself from saying that he looks like one of those creatures from The Lord of the Rings who crawled out of the earth to attack a castle and from saying that he looks like he has STD (Herpes, most probably).
I know that the admiration is mutual as I saw you numerous times looking behind your back and whispering something to your boyfriend. Perhaps saying "In 5 seconds, I'm going to stand up and kiss that smart-looking young man sitting behind us and there's nothing you can do about it" or perhaps "Let's transfer to another table, the guy behind us is sweating like a bitch and he's wiping his sweat with 100 peso bills. I think he's mouthing 'There's plenty more where this came from baby' to me too. How creepy!" Whatever the case may be, I want you to know that you are an absolute sex kitten. And your pencil-cut skirt (which I will definitely ask you to keep on if, nay, WHEN we have sex) accentuates your beautiful heinie.
I also want you to know that I am a man capable of making love to a woman non-stop for an unprecedented 48 hours straight. Also, underneath my sexy exterior is a man made out of pure-fucking-ROMANCE and LOVE and I'm willing to sever all ties with my family and friends and even punch my mother in the face if you allow me to whisk you away to a world of sex, drugs and other illegal stuff.
As you read this, you might be thinking to yourself "I'd love to run away with you but don't you have a 'Girlfriend?' only known as 'Number 21?'" And my answer to that, my love, is that I broke up with her just yesterday. The reason being that I am starting to think that she is a deceitful nympho. I mean what kind of woman says "I love you" to a man and only hours later, massages and has sex with an old Chinese guy for 1,100 pesos? A harpy and a harlot that's what.
I am not rushing you into anything. In fact, I am going to leave now lest you decide to refresh the page and read this before I am conveniently out of your boyfriend's (who I'm positive can beat me up quite easily) massive fists' reach. But please consider my offer, Pick ME. Choose ME. Love ME.
If you don't, you should seriously consider getting some pepper spray and taking a different route home. But let's not talk about that.
Sincerely yours,
Mike "Fucking" Villar
Rising Internet Star
Heir to the Duke of Hillcrest
Darlington Socks model
Made out with an Albino
but that was before
and im not
going
to
do
it
again.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
