As much as I want to tell you an interesting story about my band's first ever gig last Saturday, I am sorry to say that other than the fact that we FUCKING ROCKED THE CROWD'S FACES OFF, we got through our set without incident.
My band has a rather interesting dynamic mainly because we played thrash metal, something I'm really not into being the Grunge/Punk/Emo fag that I am. The other members of the band absolutely dig it and the usual scene in my band's practice involves me walking in the studio hearing some galling, Slayer/Megadeth/Metallica song, and having to learn the lyrics to them on the spot.
This could prove difficult at times not because I am a terrible singer,which I certainly am not (2001 Hillcrest Village singing contest 2nd runner up for singing Mike Post's Believe it or not. Beat that. bitch.), nor is it because I am drunk and high most of the time. It's because of the 'Artistic Difference' (aka the jealousy and hatred I feel towards them because they are adept in playing their individual instruments and my singing voice sounds like a gayified Rivers Cuomo at best) between myself and the rest of the band.
See I prefer singing songs like Radiohead's "Creep", Matchbox 20's "Push" and Destiny's Child's "Cater to you"(Okay, not so much this one) over Metallica's "Master of Puppets" or Slayer's "Dead Skin Mask."
Really, who can blame me for being a soulful artiste who laughs and scoffs at the insipid batter of pretense and noise you "metal heads" try to pass off as music?
And come on, let's take a look at a typical metal song shall we?
By the last breath of fourth wind blows
You better raise your ears
The sound of hooves knock at your doorsLock up your wife and children now
It's time to wield the blade
For now you've got some company- The Four Horsemen by Metallica
Time for Mike Villar's one-word song review: "Eh?" I mean seriously, I can write something way better than that crap in 10 seconds:
Fetal plastic bag beckons me tonight
I said no and it made me feel its wrath!
Fire and brimstone! Insanity! Chaos!
[Insert like a 5 minute guitar solo here]
I don't like it! [growling] I don't! [growling] No really, I don't! [big ass growl][Insert a shorter, like a 3 minute guitar solo here and maybe a harmonica bit]
Get me medicines! From the drugstore! [fade]
- Untitled by Mike Villar: Rising internet star/Communist
Anyway, I had a good time performing. It was relaxing at the least and It was really fun getting drunk and throwing empty bottles at the silly kids singing Typecast and Bamboo songs.
But most of all, I had fun because I was playing for my number 1 fan that night: My Fiancée Mayne who was among those who cheered for me last Saturday. Her cheers were the only ones that mattered. Without her I probably would've thrown up and cried on stage like the pussy I am.
[Yeah I know this part totally kills the post but fuck you at least I'm getting sex. And love. Are you?]
My last post about me getting engaged caused quite a commotion among the people who read my blog. The reaction that pops out more often than others goes something to the effect of "Really?" or "Are you serious?" or "Judas!".
I mean, Wow. I never imagined that in the first hour or so of me putting up that post, I'd be systematically harassed by you cretins.
My favorites would definitely have to be:
sanjamarnani: dude dont tell me ur getting emo on your ex!
sanjamarnani: i thought it was all sex no strings
sanjamarnani: mexicans!(couple of minutes later…)
sanjamarnani: the great Mike "Fucking" Villar? engaged?
sanjamarnani: whoever thought they'd see the day
sanjamarnani: ur serious?
sanjamarnani: dude are you really mike "fucking" engaged now?(couple of HOURS later…)
sanjamarnani: i just cant get over it
sanjamarnani: mike villar- engaged
sanjamarnani: i always thought you'd tie the knot at around 30 ish
Sanjay, dude, I would've replied to you but I was busy making personal phone calls, taking two hour lunches and basically pretending to be working because at the rate I'm going with my progress on the job, I would be fired in two weeks. Tops.
So to recap: You are a stupid Indian who owes me money (remember that time with the proboscis monkey, two bottles of tequila and a Yugoslavian comfort girl?), I didn't reply to your IM's because I'm a self-centered, self-aggrandizing fraud of a man. And yes, I AM engaged.
Leah had this to say:
Leah Francisco: your last post was so sweet…..so not you
Leah Francisco: i've always known that below that crude exterior, it's all mush
This is what I fear would happen if I tell you guys that I'm getting engaged. Honestly, the posts in this blog revolve around a small number of jokes I overuse ad nauseam. I didn't have anything much to work with to begin with: It's always something to the effect of "I'm fat", "I'm not getting any sex", "I masturbate a lot", and "I'm lonely".
Seriously guys, are you afraid that if I take out all the "I'm lonely" and "I'm not getting any sex" jokes my blog would jump the shark and render me incapable of churning out funny shit? I mean there's still the lethal combination of the "I'm Fat" and "I masturbate a lot" jokes isn't there? And of course there's always the moderately funny inappropriate racist jokes I throw in from time to time.
I guess what I'm saying is–PLEASE DON'T STOP READING MY BLOG AND SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES OF YOU DANCING WITH THE POPE!– please love me.
Adam Mordo had this to say on his blog:
…I am definitely no Mike f@cking Villar,
who in my opinion is a far better blogger than I can ever hope to be.
His reason for not having posted as much as he normally does is not
only undeniably valid, it is perhaps the biggest piece of recent news
in the local blogging scene. Read all about it, in his very own words, RIGHT HERE!…
Biggest piece of recent news in the local blogging scene. Gold.
But this email easily takes the cake:
Wow.
The reason why there is an obvious lack of posting activity in this blog is because I've been busy living my life. The life I've been neglecting ever since I decided three years ago that my life wasn't worth living anymore. I am not going to go into detail here as the reason behind the blithe insouciance I've been feeling towards my life is well chronicled within the annals of this blog. Suffice it to say that for three years now, I've been living a life that is pretty much devoid of purpose; of direction.
Sure, I enjoy moderate success as far as my career is concerned and to most people, it would appear as if I have everything going for me but what a lot of people fail to realize is that beneath the comic facade that I try so desperately to project lies a gaping void; an inexplicable sense of emptiness.
Anyway, I think I mentioned something about my Ex-girlfriend being in town in passing. What I didn't write down was the fact that this ex-girlfriend that I speak of is the very person responsible for the chronic feeling of emptiness I've been feeling for years now and recently, also the person responsible for making me feel alive again.
For three weeks now, I've been spending most of my time with her and taking the risk of sounding emo, I'm going to go ahead and say that it has been the best three weeks of my life.
Spending that much time with her got me thinking about the relationships I've had after she left. Although I can't remember much about what happened within the last three years since I was really into drugs and shit at that time(Just kidding if my bosses are reading this), I came to the realization that the relationships I've had after her were all exercises in futility, drunkeness and murder. Okay not so much murder.
The relationships that came after the relationship I had with this particular ex-girlfriend have been nothing short of trying. I use the word "relationship" here very loosely because everybody knows I fall "inlove" with a random girl every hour which ends invariably with me solicitng sex from her, following her home if she doesn't acquiesce and her throwing plates at me before finally calling the cops to have me arrested.
I also realized that I've never felt more secure with anbody than with Mayne. All the little things she does to make me feel special; the way she kisses me passionately; the way she pampers me like I'm the most precious thing in the world; the way we both like to get drunk and have wild animal sex afterwards; and the way she looks past my eyes, into my soul and tell me everything's going to be alright–All these things made me realize that she's the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I talked to Mayne about how I feel about her a couple of days ago and after a lot of kisses, hugs and tears I'd like to make an announcment: We're engaged. And coming soon in 2008: Marriage. I know this comes as a shock to a lot of you ladies out there. I say this because I regularly receive TONS (okay, three, and one of them was from one of my dummy email accounts) of email from you guys asking me to marry you. I'd like to say that since I have terribly low self esteem and these "Marry me!" emails are quite flattering, please keep them coming. I will, of course, not seriously consider them since I'm engaged and all that shit. Whatever.
Mike: "Dude, Why don't we quit our dead end job and write for a magazine or somethi–HOLY FUCK! I WANT TO STAB KAREL MARQUEZ's FACE WITH MY PENIS! LIKE RIGHT NOW!
Miggy: "Quit our job? Are you fucking kidding me? And do what? Write for a magazine? Then what? Spend the rest of our lives writing weak, apologetic shit? I don't think so."
Mike: [getting depressed] "Why do you always have to shoot me down? All I'm saying is that we're running dangerously low on readily salable skills and we're not really good at anything. All we're ever good for is writing inappropriate, disgusting stuff on the internet and generally alienating people. I mean sure, we've made it quite far in our career but soon enough, somebody's going to find out that we're nothing but a bunch of frauds and call us out on it. What do you suppose we do then?"
Miggy: "And all I'm saying is that It's good and all that you're planning but you've got your priorities all mixed up. What we really need to do right now is drop 70 large on a new MacBook so we can look good when we hang out in coffee shops and get noticed by females–you know ones that are not our mother."
Mike: "Well first, that's the dumbest fucking Idea I've ever heard and second, you are acting like a little bitch."
Miggy: "Well first you're what doctors would refer to as 'obese'; second, you are a lonely, creepy man and I hate you."
Mike: "Well, mister-I'm-going-to-impress-girls-by-putting-hot-sauce-on-my-bird, I hate you too. And if you're going to continue being an asshole throwing vituperations at me, I'm just going to walk away and leave." [stands up]
Miggy: "Fine. See if I care"
Mike: "I am going to masturbate. Really hard."
Miggy: "Go on, leave and beat your dick like it owes you money. Afterall, that is how you deal with all your problems isn't it? Everytime you're faced with a problem you can't handle, you run away from it and play with your bird like the coward you are. When will you start handling your problems like a real man instead of running and seeking the familiar comfort lotion on your penis offers you.
Mike: [Standing wobbly with shorts around ankles, putting lotion on bird, crying] "Go away!"
Miggy: "Don't forget your picture of Morgan Freeman"
Mike: [still sobbing, masturbating, takes picture] "Thanks"
After the brouhaha that is PayPerPost comes Reviewme , a service which improves the original PayPerPost concept and makes it more "moral" by requiring publishers to disclose that their review is a paid advertisement. Another good thing about ReviewMe is that publishers are not required to write positive feedback about the product if they don't feel that it merits one.
The system automatically determines how much a review is worth on your blog using an algorithm that weighs Technorati links and Alexa traffic ranking among other statistics. My only gripe about the service is that using Alexa and Technorati to determine how much a review on a particular blog should cost is unfair. I've successfully managed to submit my personal blog and The Man Blog on ReviewMe but was unable to submit Dashmedia being that it's new and doesn't have enough 'rati or Alexa juice yet. Comparing the statistics of the three blogs I've submitted, I see that Dashmedia gets decent traffic; even more than my personal site. I guess what I'm saying is that Technorati links alone does not give potential advertisers a good picture of how much traffic a site gets; let alone, Alexa, whose stats are rather dated and takes a while to update.
One suggestion: There should be a provision that allows publishers to set how much they'd like to charge for a review on their blog. Afterall, in the end, it's up to the advertiser to determine whether or not the rate set by a publisher is fair.
By the way, as a proof of concept and to get things started, ReviewMe is allocating $25,000 for reviews of their own service. Not a bad way to get things started.
*The above post is a paid advertisement
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
