Please, just go away

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

One thing I'm very good at is apologizing to you guys for the lack of updates in this blog. And because I'm so good at it, I am going to do just that right NOW. Damnit, Im good! Seriously though, if you're looking for something entertaining to read (And I know you assholes read my blog because you find reading about how much I suck "entertaining"), you won't find it here. At least not now. You see, the end of Q4 marks some of the busiest days in our company and my struggle to be more efficient at what I do here at work has been nothing short of an uphill battle with a lot of:

My boss saying: "Mike, I need you to send the [some marketing collateral I barely know anything about]

and him meaning: "Mike, I need you to send the [some marketing collateral I barely know anything about]

And:

Me saying: "No problem. I'm on it."

when what I really meant was: "I have no fucking Idea what he means. And even if I did, I probably don't know how to do it. So I'm going to spend the next 15 minutes flipping the fuck out, delegating a crapload of stuff to people and generally acting like I know what I'm doing."

Then like an hour later:

My boss: "So were you able to send it?"

Me: [Staring blankly at an unfinished joke about the French and retards on my word processor] "Oh I didn't know you wanted me to send it now. Sorry"

Then finally after another hour:

Me: [Reading a memo served to me, Crying] I'M SORRY!!!!! I'M REALLY REALLY SO–[Muffled because I'm eating a Sans Rival from Burger Machine in between sobs]

So yeah, I fucking suck. But please, stop badgering me for updates because I really can't afford to lose my job. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to land a job because a simple Google query on my name will lead people to my blog, a blog which automatically makes me ineligible for any form of legitimate employment. Thanks.

–
Also, I would like to express the malicious satisfaction I get from all the activity the Friendster account I recently created has been showing. The  testimonials I get from weird strangers and friends alike are enough to send me to a trip down Ego Masturbation Lane many times over. Of course my favorite testimonials are from foxes I've never even met before:

Normally, I would hit up these chicks and trick them into meeting up with me; meetings which would invariably end in date rape or a really nasty incident involving chloroform, burritos and dirty underwear. But I won't because I'm engaged and you know, because I  love my fiancee so much that even thinking about cheating on her is out of the question. (Yeah I know. You're boring too.)

So yeah, if you haven't added me on Friendster yet, you should. Or your nipples will fall off.