Two things I learned over the weekend

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

I am a nasty drunkard (surprise!)

I've been trying to deny this fact for as long as I can remember. Besides, Dictionary.com defines Drunkard as

a person who is habitually or frequently drunk.

I don't know whether or not in order to be a drunkard, one must be both habitually and frequently drunk because seriously, I'm only frequently drunk and not habitually so you know,  I've always seen this issue as debatable.

Nevermind the fact that the assholes over at CitiBank have long been plotting to abduct my mother and my brother and hold them for ransom until I fork over some cash to partially pay for the tens and thousands of Pesos I owe them. Money I spent on alcohol, expensive prostitutes, cocaine and guns (just a few).

Also let's not take into account the fact that I woke up last Sunday with a crippling hangover and proceeded to devour three packs of Kornets, accidentally bit my fingertip off while sucking on residual cheese left on my fingers, bled the fuck all over the place before finally passing out in my bed.

But I've been thinking about it lately because seriously, I'm getting into a hell lot of trouble for my drinking. The most recent one being when I was appointed Master of Ceremonies for our recently concluded company christmas party. (Yeah, I don't know how the hell this happened, but obviously, somebody's not doing their job and that somebody deserves to be fired for this lapse of judgment)

For the most part, the Christmas party went on without incident. I was rolling full throttle with my unstoppable comedy machine and the crowd looked like they were having a good time. The wheels came off when some genius decided to hand me a glass of Red Horse in the middle of the ceremony.  

Now, I am not a virgin insofar as speaking in front of huge crowds is concerned but you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that when you give Mike "Fucking" Villar beer on such occasions, he'll keep asking for more and NOBODY will come out a winner.

True enough, after a couple of copious refills,  I quickly found myself on a level of drunkenness that is not suitable for such social occasions. At first I was making tasteless, inappropriate, albeit forgivable jokes about the people who lost their homes to the recent super typhoon. But then, no thanks to my alcohol level and my own disgusting douchebaggery, I decided to turn things up a notch. My Pièce de résistance being the time when I was discussing the mechanics of a game called "Pin the nose on frosty the snowman" which is a game blatantly ripped off from a parlor game called "Pin the tail on the donkey". Now this may sound simple to you, but try going up there with about two liters of Red Horse in your system and let's see who's calling who a wino. Asshole. Anyway, it went something like this:

Me: [Sweating profusely] Okay now who among you are familiar with this game?

Crowd: [Silence. Some people laughing at how much I sweat and how fat I am]

Me: This is really not hard people. We're going to blindfold you and you have to pin this paper nose on that paper representation of Frosty the Snowman [pointing over to a board where the printout is]

Crowd: [Nodding, starting to understand]

Me: It's very similar to that parlor game called Pin the DICK on the donkey

Crowd: [Collective gasp]

Me: What you haven't heard of Pin the DICK on the donkey before?

My bosses: [Sinking their heads into their hands]

No big deal really. I don't really see myself being fired over this because my bosses, of their stature, know how to see past silly faux pas' and minor errors attributed to drunkenness (Although, I'm wondering why they cleared my desk this morning and why my stuff has been organized neatly in a small box). But hey, if you're working for a company that has an opening for a Marketing Consultant, please let me know. I promise not to steal office supplies or "accidentally" barge in the girls' comfort room pretending im blind. I mean it's not like I do it here but–Im digging myself a deeper hole here so I'll just shut up now.

But then again are you really going to attend a Christmas Party prepared by guys who look like this? I didn't think so.

Let me tell you another story that will validate my being a worthless drunkard. Last saturday, I went on a barcrawl across Metro Manila with some guy friends. I will not delight you with stories that happened during the nine hour affair because seriously, the most interesting story I have happens at the latter part of it.

After drinking in a total of five bars (QC, Makati, The Fort), we were finishing up our act at some bar over at the Fort so we asked the waiter to bring us over the bill (which I offered to pay because James brought over wonderful drugs that kept us happy all night and Ray is broke as hell so I can't really oblige them to split it with me)

So I was looking at the bill right?  But being on the tail end of a drinking tour, drunk and high as I am, I can't figure it out and how much it amounted to. So I call the waiter over and asked for his assistance. Hilarity ensues:

Me: [slurring, sweating profusely] Excuse me, but I don't remember ordering this [pointing to a random item on the bill] can you just tell me how much the total is so we can pay and get out of here?

Waiter: [Alarmed and worried at the same time] Um sir, that's the menu.

I am not even going to dignify my actions with an explanation. All I'm going to say is "wow."

 

If you think you can impress women whom you just met by telling them a cock and bull story about how you once made out with a gorgeous girl and showing them a supposed picture of said girl you printed off the internet then placed in your wallet, you are sadly mistaken. Especially if it's this girl. 

I really want to tell you guys about this but it's really too soon to talk about it. I'm still hurt.