Drunk, iPod

Thursday, January 4, 2007

1.) I have been very VERY drunk. Seriously. It's so bad that I'm pretty sure I am going to die soon. If I were a neurologist (Which I'm obviously not, although I often tell ladies I meet at parties that I am after my infamous "I'm sort of famous on the internet" line started to lose its appeal a couple of months ago) I'd say that I killed like 40% of my brain cells over the Holidays. My uncontrolled indulgence in alcohol over the end of last year led to days upon days of crippling hangovers. As I have been drunk almost nightly for the most of the end of last year up until only a couple of days ago, these hangovers have started to become a serious impediment in terms of how I function daily.

For instance, I usually drive all the way from Fairview to Shaw to get to work. I've been in such a bad shape lately that today I asked my brother Ryan, who's arguably the worst driver in Asia, to drive me to work and pick me up when I get off because I'm pretty sure that If I drive to work with the hangover I had earlier, I would've invariably rammed my car into a lamp post or ran over a couple of school kids crossing the street. I can't stress enough how rarely this happens being I don't trust him with ANY motor vehicle. The asshole is only 19 years old and already, he has managed to cause tens and thousands of pesos worth of damage to property, endangered hundreds of lives and served jail time. Suffice it to say that he's very happy with the fact that he can take the car to school. You see, my brother has this illusion that he's black and he enjoys dressing up like Lil Jon, playing loud hip hop music in the car while it's parked in his school's parking lot and generally being laughed at by other people in his school.

Anyway, while he was driving me to work, I was pretty sure I was going to throw up or pass out on the way. Luckily I didn't pass out nor threw up because my mind was preoccupied riding different waves of emotions while I was listening to my iPod (Yes, I have an iPod now. More on this later). So yes, instead of throwing up or passing out, I was busy crying while Brian McKnight's One Last Cry wafted to my ears or pumping my fist in a show of nationalistic pride while Bamboo sang Pinoy Ako through the earphones and rocking the fuck out and banging my head to Metallica's songs while people from other cars point and laugh at me.

I don't expect this to change anytime soon. In fact, I'm attending another friend's birthday party later tonight and I intend to get drunk and high out of my mind so that tomorrow I will be writing about how I woke up and chased a yellow rabbit who stole meatloaf from our pantry or about a jolly pink elf who keeps stomping on my hand while I sleep.

So you know, be very happy for me! I mean I drank a lot over the Holidays and I successfully managed to deal a significant amount of damage to my health and reduce my lifespan by about 5 years. I'm fucking awesome I know.

2.) I have an iPod! For years, I have been resisting the temptation to get an iPod primarily because I thought iPod's are for pretentious, weak-wristed yuppies who wear Chuck Taylors and messenger bags and think that the world is one big music video where they can traipse up and down the posh streets of business districts listening to The Fray's How to save a life (Seriously, get a life people).

So when I was given an iPod a couple of days ago, I seriously didn't know what to do. My brother was badgering me to give it to him but being the evil evil man that I am, I thought fuck it; I'd very much rather use it myself than give it to my brother. So yeah, I copied like 400 songs into my iPod and much to my surprise, I enjoyed using the damn thing. In fact, I've gotten quite attached to my iPod and rely on it to set the mood for everything I do. In the morning, I listen to O Fortuna while taking taking a dump; in the evening, I like to listen to the Sugababe's Push the button while masturbating.

I've also been listening to my iPod alot when I'm walking around (usually to Buttercup) but I haven't really figured out how other people manage to make walking around town with their iPods look fashionably cool. My friend told me that the proper way to do it is to run the earphone cables up your shirt, pull the earbuds out of your collar and to your ear. I don't do this simply because it makes me uncomfortable. Instead, I put my iPod in my pocket and connect the earphones to my ears over my shirt. I really can't find the words to express how awkward this looks. Imagine a fat guy like me walking up the street with a white cord over and lifting part of his shirt, exposing his dirty belly button. Terrible.

So yeah, when I finally manage to figure this shit out; I'll be the fat creepy guy following you around katipunan, mouthing the lyrics to Careless Whisper, strumming an illusory guitar while winking at you. Say hello.