I am going to get FIRED! Oh hey look! Lazycast!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

LazyCast March 15, 2007

I am officially fucketyfucked. Why? Well you see, yesterday, I came to work and we were having some major hiccups with the office internet connection. Now I usually wouldn't give a rat's with regards to stuff like these I mean come on, we are an internet company and for us, No Internet = No Work which is all shades of awesome as far as I'm concerned. Besides, amongst the workforce of 50 in the office, for some reason, my station was one of the few to have uninterrupted internet access. So yeah, I pretty much spent my workday yesterday downloading all sorts of interracial/interspecies porn while the rest of my officemates tried to get their work done offline (suckers). 

The wheels came off when the IT guys told us that the cause of the aforementioned connection hiccups was some sort of spyware/malware running amuck in our system. I am about 88% sure that this is my fault because I regularly download useless software to keep me entertained while I work. I have this thing called Bonzi Buddy which is a software that makes a purple gorilla appear at random positions on my desktop, I don't know exactly what it's for but it's entertaining. Also, I have a similar program which makes a partially nude girl appear on random positions on my desktop and dances sexily, the pace of her dance varying depending on what type of music I play on iTunes! So when I play something like say The Pussycat Dolls' Stick wit U she kinda puts on this slow sexy grind and when I switch to an Arctic Monkeys song, she kinda shimmies wildly and takes off her bra! Needless to say, in between all of these, I sometimes slip my right hand in my pocket and proceed to discreetly rub my bird from there–and when I get aroused enough, I take my business to the office john for the crescendo and the big finish which usually ends up with me blowing my jiz into a trash bin filled with used tissue paper and sanitary napkins.

Anyway, I digress. What happened was the IT guys asked us to install some sort of Spyware remover on our machines but being the huge computer idiot that I am, I wasn't able to successfully do so and instead, I asked somebody from the IT department to install it on my machine for me. Big mistake.

The IT guys can get really forensic in terms of monitoring activities on our machines and really, all of these would've been fine if I don't download an average of 5 porn clips a day or write really long emails to my friends and if I don't send numerous incriminating IM messages to my coworkers.

I'm fucking panicking here I swear to God. As I write this from my laptop, the IT guys are scanning my office machine and without a doubt, they will find my stash of porn, my browser, email and IM history and it's only a matter of minutes now before my boss calls me into his office and a conversation like this happens:

Boss: Mike, have a seat.

Me: Um, okay, what's this about?

Boss: [Holding a printout] I would like to read this email to you and I would like to ask for an explanation from you regarding its content.

Me: [shifting uneasily in my seat] Okay.

Boss: Okay here it goes: "Pare, check out the newly hired foxes across our row. You see that one wearing a blue blazer? She's fucking hot! She looks like a lankier version of Kyla and from where I sit, I can see her panties and her butt crack. I'm fucking masturbating to this later I swear to God. She has bad skin though but I'd still fucking hit it. Anyway, are we still on for later? Maybe we could ask them to join us for a drink and I could put vetsin on her beer while you distract her and hopefully I'd get to fuck something else other than my [pauses for dramatic effect] refrigerator tonight. Whatever dude, just let me know! Also, did you notice that [insert boss' name here] smells like vomit? Fucking drunkard."

Also I'd like to know why you felt it necessary to write this email at 11am on a Monday.

Me: Before I answer that, can I ask you something?

Boss: Go ahead.

Me: If you fire me now, am I still entitled to severance pay?

Boss: No.

Me: Shit.

Boss: "Shit" is right.

Anyway, I'd like to write more about this but I think I'm already in enough trouble. Besides, I'm busy flipping the fuck out and calling everybody I know for job openings in their companies because I'm quite sure that I'd lose my job before this day ends. Please pray for me.

The good news is that I'm starting a podcast which I'm going to call the LazyCast mainly because I'm probably going to do this only when I don't feel like writing (which is practically everyday). Anyway, here's the pilot episode. Do let me know what you think of it or whether or not I should continue doing this because based on what I'm told, my voice sounds like a combination of "Irish/Midwestern/Girly/SuperGay" which, I'm sure, translates to "Annoying." Fuck you all. 

LazyCast March 15, 2007