Over the past few months, owing largely to my FHM writing gigs, I am learning a lot about how to interact with women. What was previously an activity that went hand in hand with huge amounts of awkwardness and consternation is slowly developing into a pleasurable, sexually arousing one (which I think are what normal guys feel when engaging in said activity).
A couple of months ago, my "game" consists of me pretending to talk loudly to a "business associate" on my mobile phone about my upcoming raise and how I don't "really need it" since I'm already earning 6 figures a month within earshot of the girl I am trying to impress; before finally circling in and initiating a conversation with her which usually ends up in a mess like this:
Me: [bottle of beer in one hand, the other in my pocket] Um Hi.
Girl: [Already creeped-out] Hello.
Me: [15 seconds of awkward silence] You look like you're into Internet stuff.
Girl: [somewhat offended] Well, not really.
Me: Um what I meant was… [panicking because "Game plan" fell apart] You know what, here you go, take my phone please just don't hurt me! [sitting down on the floor with both hands over head]
Girl: What is wrong with–
Me: I have nothing to offer you but a promise that if you marry me, I will leave you millions of pesos' worth of utility bills and a dozen slow, Half-Korean children, all named "Kippean." [Starting to cry] please don't hurt me!
Obviously, this doesn't work. In fact, the only time this approach actually worked was with my girlfriend and only because I slipped Ativan in her drink and tied her up with Nylon. We were inseparable ever since.
Anyway, like I said, I've learned a lot about girls over the past few months, the most important being that when a girl says they want something the actually mean they want something AND something else. I mean, all the hot women I interviewed for FHM said they want a guy who has a sense of humor–now, using deductive reasoning, we can conclude that:
Women want a guy who has a sense of humor, I have a great sense of humor, therefore women want me. Greatly.
Now this would actually make sense if women didn't have this inherent flaw of wanting more than what they are willing to reveal or admit. So when a woman says that she's looking for somebody who has a sense of humor, she actually means she's looking for somebody with a sense of humor AND somebody who's at least presentable.
This, my dear reders, is the reason why yours truly, even as an avant-garde internet humorist, is not popular among women. Wait, I am. Just not in a way that would be sexually gratifying.
The sense of humor I have down pat; the "presentable" part, I'm struggling a bit with. For the life of me, I could not remember anybody complimenting me for the way I dress up. The best I've gotten was "You look like somebody going through a bitter divorce" and this is probably because I really don't spend money on clothes. My wardrobe consists of three T-shirts and two pairs of jeans I wear in heavy rotation. So when I meet up and hang out with friends I rarely see, I get a lot of "Wow! That's the same shirt you wore last [insert occasion here]" and it would've been great if they say it with genuine fascination but they usually say it with the same inflection they'd use if they were to say "Oh my God! You're fucking a kitten! It's dead!"
And because I realized that what I've written didn't make much sense and because I've been getting LOTS of negative feedback on the LazyCast, I will clear things up on ANOTHER LazyCast later just to annoy the shit out of you pissant LazyCast naysayers.
Have a great weekend. Assholes.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
