If any of you even listened to last week's LazyCast, you'd know that I recently had a minor vehicular accident where, thanks to glorious drunk driving, I lost the passenger side mirror of my car, and clipped a parked car along Mother Ignacia which caused a nasty scratch on my car's front bumper.
And because in the future, I again intend to drive under the influence of alcohol and hopefully, some new kick-ass recreational drug while I am being chased by half of Metro Manila's police force up North Luzon Expressway because not only am I driving under the influence, I also kidnapped a rich Chinese girl whom I'm holding for ransom and have no plans of releasing until her parents who own a seaside restaurant, give in to my request of being provided a lifetime supply of Lo Mein and Shanghai rolls; I decided to give up my hangover-nursing day (Sunday) to go to Banawe and find a cheap replacement side mirror (Of course, by "replacement" I meant "stolen") and have the headlights of my car (which was damaged in the accident as well) repaired.
Now, I might as well get this out of the way– Banawe is absolutely terrible. It's a place where disreputable, shady deals take place in plain sight. My brother, Ryan "Fucking" Villar likes this about the place though saying that it is the perfect place to develop one's street smarts. Well you know what asshole? If "Street Smarts" means being in a constant state of alertness because there's a great chance some Bisaya guy would sneak up behind you, stab you in the neck, drain your blood then urinate on your limp, lifeless body before finally selling your blood to a barbecue vendor across the street, then no, I don't think I want to develop mine.
I'm pretty sure you've all seen one of those documentaries on The Animal Planet where there's this nestling who first ventures out of the nest, accidentally falls off and lands on a river where like a gazillion piranhas make short work of it? THAT's how it feels like when you first get off your car in Banawe.
In a matter of seconds, you are instantaneously descended upon by a dozen street vendors selling all sorts of stuff ranging from window tint to young Cambodian slave girls. What's worse is that the auto parts store I decided to have my car repaired were desperately trying to make a quick buck out of me by telling me that not only do I need a new side mirror but I need a new side mirror assembly which costs 800 bucks. Not only that, after taking a quick look at my headlight bulbs, they told me that I needed new sockets because the ones I had are burnt out.
In the end, because I am a complete idiot when it comes to car care, they sold me a new side mirror assembly, expensive headlight bulbs and their corresponding sockets, something called a "Photon Inhibitor Drive", car insurance, crispy pata and several grams of coke which they claim came straight from Colombia.
So yeah, I went to Banawe thinking that I'd only be spending lose change for minor repairs but ended up spending close to 4 thousand bucks and because I'm having a hard time peeing lately, I'm also thinking I contracted syphilis from the blow job I got from a sampaguita vendor I paid 80 bucks to suck my bird while I wait for my car. It was toothy and an absolute waste of money.
Now please, leave me alone while I get high on my stash of Xanor and put copious amounts of penicillin on my bird.
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
