"Dry Spell" or "Miss, secks?" or "Untitled"

Thursday, April 5, 2007

Okay listen up. Being it's holy week and all, I will try to write something relevant for a change. This post will contain nothing but self-introspection where I probe the depths of and cast imputations on my sinful, secular life.

Since we all know that I'm a drug addict. No wait, I meant sex addict (one addiction at a time please), and because we all know that when addicts don't get their fix, nobody wins; let's take a look at the glaring lack of sexual activity in my life lately. I am in the middle of quite possibly the longest sexual drought in my life and it's literally killing me. Before I got back with my girlfriend and before she left to work abroad, I was doing fine, banging girls left and right (for 2,000 bucks a pop) then all of a sudden– nothing. 

Besides the fact that I am a serial monogamist(and I'm not just throwing this in here because my girlfriend reads my blog. Hi baby! love you! muwahugtytz!), I think the main reason why my sex life is in such a miserable state is because I have no game whatsoever. And I've come to terms with the fact that I can do absolutely NOTHING about it.

For instance, it's common knowledge that women like smart artsy-fartsy guys who ask questions like "Do you think everyone's amenable to the machinations of the catholic church?" or "Do you think people should have sex with other people whom they do not feel emotionally attached to?" and not "Do you think Google will acquire Starbucks in the near future? Because I totally do" or "I usually don't go out on a limb to ask this, but I have some magic pot at home and I was wondering if you're interested to get out of here and smoke up with me. After that, maybe we could like have sex and you'd let me stick three fingers up your butt. It's going to be rough and I'm not going to wear a condom."– questions I have a predilection for.

Now, it's not like I don't get to be around girls that much either. It's just that girls are simply not interested in me. Girls are into guys who go to the gym and can bench press like 300 pounds (Not me, the closest thing I can do is 5 squat-thrusts) or men who are successful or at least have ambition(not me either. All I want to do is get drunk and my only ambition is to find the single greatest recreational drug in the world).

I honestly don't get it. I mean after all, I am a Rising Intenet Star and I'm hella sensitive. In fact, earlier, I was watching In pursuit of Happyness (aka, the most depressing movie ever next to Million Dollar Baby) and I got to the part where Will Smith and his son were forced to sleep inside a public restroom in the subway system; and man, let me tell you, I totally lost it. Next thing I knew, I was crying so lustily and so loudly that my dad had to wake up, comfort me and feed me assloads of ice cream to calm me down. Now the question is, why the fuck won't anyone fuck me?!

ANYWAY, I am expecting this to change VERY soon since me and my friends are going to the beach over the weekend.  And really, if you put me and my friends near any body of water, alcohol and assloads of half-naked women, our trip easily becomes a serious competition on who can get the most venereal diseases in one day(I'm pretty sure I'll win this since I already have syphilis). The only roadblock I see in me ending this dry spell over the weekend is my friend Matthew who looks so much better than all of us and kinda looks like Tobey Maguire. So whenever I'm with him and we're talking to women, I'm immediately relegated to the "Fat wingman, who keeps on bragging about his blog and is a little creepy because he stares down your boobs every chance he gets" category; a category which, if I might add, I fit into perfectly.

So yeah, wish me luck. Whatever.

Also, check out my latest interview for FHM. I interviewed Anna Correos who's easily one of the nicest girls I've interviewed in a long time.