Shit. Toilet Water. All Over My Pants. Also Hungover.

Friday, April 13, 2007

One thing you'd have to know about me is that I can hide behind my internet antics all I want but deep inside, I'm a sentimental sap who can't handle breakups all that well. So I've been really depressed lately and like any other sentimental saps who can't handle breakups all that well, I decided to throw myself around the warm, comforting embrace of drunkenness last night.

Now, I know it's not entirely uncommon for me to do this and this is actually one of the rare occasions that warrants me wanting to be fuck inebriated, but the thing is I'm absofuckinglutely broke. Well not broke in the "I have to get off work early because I got to go to Novaliches Bayan to suck the birds of stinky, sweaty men who sell fish in exchange for some rice" sense but rather in the "I really don't have enough financial resources to go on spending 2 thousand pesos four straight nights a row on booze and food so that I can get my squatter friends to hang out with me and listen to me cry about my ex-girlfriend all night" sense.

So after work yesterday, I had a special, cost-effective Mike Villar night planned out. A night which will involve two bottles of Tanduay Rum, some incense, and the Boyz II Men singing On Bended Knee in the background while I attempt to hit the ball out of the park as far as masturbation would go by furiously jacking off in front of the TV, occasionally falling down because masturbating with your boxers around your ankles while drunk can be quite a challenge.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find any Boyz II Men on my laptop, so I got more depressed and threw up all over my bathroom instead. Exhausted, and fucking hungry, I pulled myself together and decided to head over to the local 7-11 to get some Siopao, and a couple of bottles of beer to close the night. Big Mistake.

You see, the local 7-11 after 12 midnight is the last place a 25 year-old, drunk-ass, heartbroken anxious/depressed fat man should be. As soon as I got off my car I immediately saw couples who look like they're in their early 20's and just got off their stupid Call Center shifts–acting all sweet and shit, sharing a Slurpee, feeding each other Siomai and saying stuff like "Sorry I took so long to pick you up babe? My last caller was dumb Midwesterner who doesn't even know what DSL meant. God this call center gig is so stressful, sometimes I wonder what I'd do without you. You're the only thing that can take away all my stress babe! Now let's hop unto my scooter and make love in my room which is in the house I still share with my parents! We're on the clock here, good thing you're wearing a skirt babe." While I sink my face into my hands and sob uncontrollably in a fit of sadness while I wish death upon all of them. Fucking minimum wagers.

Needless to say, I went to work hungover as a bitch and my stomach protesting over all the Siopao and Siomai which are definitely not sitting well. Things got much worse when I realized that it was Marc's birthday today and the entire office had a surprise party thrown at him. This of course meant assloads of Pizza and gallons upon gallons of fake, instant orange juice. 

 
Assloads of pizza

So yeah I must've eaten like four slices of this ginormous, weird-ass peanut butter-flavored pizza with sour cream and like four glasses of orange juice. At this point, my stomach was all "Listen fatty, I don't care whether or not you want to eat more pizza, but I'm throwing out all this Siomai, beer, mangoes, rice, and siopao you ate and drank last night first. Oh and I meant, Now."

I rush to the comfort room and dumped what seems like 10 pounds of shit into the toilet. Satisfied, I decided to use this contraption that like sprays a powerful stream of water straight into your ass so you don't have to use tissue paper anymore (or do you? I don't know). Another Big Mistake.

As it turns out, the thing is WAY off the mark and I ended up spraying filthy water all over my legs, penis, testicles, boxers and pants.

So here I am, writing this entry in an isolated corner of the office because I fear that my officemates (especially the girls) will forever get creeped out at me after they see me soaked in toilet water, smelling like shit. (Actually they can either get creeped out at that or at the fact that I regularly point to my crotch, to them then back to my crotch while smiling and nodding my head slowly. But that's for an entirely new post.)

Not my best day. Not my best day at all.

Anyway, I will be at The 3rd Philippine Blogging Summit tomorrow so if you want to make out with me or something, say hello. I'll propose to the first girl who kisses me (with tongue please) I swear to God.