Only 5 months after I made this announcement, an announcement which was met with a lot of anticipation, sorrow and even chagrin for some; it is with a lot of grief that I announce that I have recently broken up with the girlfriend.
And as if this is a portent of things to come, I am citing "irreconcilable differences" as the main reason for our tragic breakup. (This is not going to be much different from my first marriage which will end in a flurry of domestic violence, gambling debts, and homicide.)
The funny thing is that I KNOW I should be all sad and shit but I'm not and quite frankly, I'm okay. I'm actually thinking of all the wonderful fun things I can do a couple of months from now like getting really drunk and high one day on vitamins, toothpaste and hair product before proceeding to call the ex informing her that I knocked up some bimbo I met in a bar and telling her that hadn't we broken up, my life would've been so much better. She'd then proceed to console me by telling me that It's okay and I should instead focus on loving and providing for my new family then I'd go ahead and say "Fuck you" and tell her about how I hate her, how I badly want to piss on her corpse, set her parents' house on fire and how I put a magical curse on her and how all her children will have really big right ears and some sort of weird-ass vestigial tail.
So yeah, obviously, the entire gamut of emotions normally involved in breakups hasn't sunk in yet. But let me assure you that once it does, it's not going to be pretty. Think along the lines of government office, hostages, SWAT team, a demand for a basket of tempura, lots of screaming and me dying of cardiac arrest while raping an old accountant.
So yeah, things are pretty grim for me right now. The good news is, however, I'm all for expedience and I'm looking forward to fast tracking the entire mending a broken heart process. I'm actually going out on a date this Saturday with a really hot, smart, non-imaginary girl. Yes Nikki I'm talking about you.
Well that's all I have for you today. Why don't you guys try and find something else to entertain you today? Like maybe racism or gambling? I hate you.
Okay listen up. Being it's holy week and all, I will try to write something relevant for a change. This post will contain nothing but self-introspection where I probe the depths of and cast imputations on my sinful, secular life.
Since we all know that I'm a drug addict. No wait, I meant sex addict (one addiction at a time please), and because we all know that when addicts don't get their fix, nobody wins; let's take a look at the glaring lack of sexual activity in my life lately. I am in the middle of quite possibly the longest sexual drought in my life and it's literally killing me. Before I got back with my girlfriend and before she left to work abroad, I was doing fine, banging girls left and right (for 2,000 bucks a pop) then all of a sudden– nothing.
Besides the fact that I am a serial monogamist(and I'm not just throwing this in here because my girlfriend reads my blog. Hi baby! love you! muwahugtytz!), I think the main reason why my sex life is in such a miserable state is because I have no game whatsoever. And I've come to terms with the fact that I can do absolutely NOTHING about it.
For instance, it's common knowledge that women like smart artsy-fartsy guys who ask questions like "Do you think everyone's amenable to the machinations of the catholic church?" or "Do you think people should have sex with other people whom they do not feel emotionally attached to?" and not "Do you think Google will acquire Starbucks in the near future? Because I totally do" or "I usually don't go out on a limb to ask this, but I have some magic pot at home and I was wondering if you're interested to get out of here and smoke up with me. After that, maybe we could like have sex and you'd let me stick three fingers up your butt. It's going to be rough and I'm not going to wear a condom."– questions I have a predilection for.
Now, it's not like I don't get to be around girls that much either. It's just that girls are simply not interested in me. Girls are into guys who go to the gym and can bench press like 300 pounds (Not me, the closest thing I can do is 5 squat-thrusts) or men who are successful or at least have ambition(not me either. All I want to do is get drunk and my only ambition is to find the single greatest recreational drug in the world).
I honestly don't get it. I mean after all, I am a Rising Intenet Star and I'm hella sensitive. In fact, earlier, I was watching In pursuit of Happyness (aka, the most depressing movie ever next to Million Dollar Baby) and I got to the part where Will Smith and his son were forced to sleep inside a public restroom in the subway system; and man, let me tell you, I totally lost it. Next thing I knew, I was crying so lustily and so loudly that my dad had to wake up, comfort me and feed me assloads of ice cream to calm me down. Now the question is, why the fuck won't anyone fuck me?!
ANYWAY, I am expecting this to change VERY soon since me and my friends are going to the beach over the weekend. And really, if you put me and my friends near any body of water, alcohol and assloads of half-naked women, our trip easily becomes a serious competition on who can get the most venereal diseases in one day(I'm pretty sure I'll win this since I already have syphilis). The only roadblock I see in me ending this dry spell over the weekend is my friend Matthew who looks so much better than all of us and kinda looks like Tobey Maguire. So whenever I'm with him and we're talking to women, I'm immediately relegated to the "Fat wingman, who keeps on bragging about his blog and is a little creepy because he stares down your boobs every chance he gets" category; a category which, if I might add, I fit into perfectly.
So yeah, wish me luck. Whatever.
Also, check out my latest interview for FHM. I interviewed Anna Correos who's easily one of the nicest girls I've interviewed in a long time.
LazyCast April 2, 2007
In this episode, I talk about my adventures in the recently concluded Philippine Blog Awards, the I.ph blogger meet-up, how Bryanboy stole my phone and how I ended up spending the night sleeping on top of my friend Adam's dining table.
By the way, I'd like to congratulate Abe, Jayvee and Gail for the Blog Awards' success. Really guys, I enjoyed loading up on the free food, sitting in a corner looking like a hobo and avoiding the pity glances of the other people who attended.
Here's some link loving for the people I met at the awards:
Here are some pictures. More over at my Flickr gallery:
LazyCast April 2, 2007
Mike "Fucking" Villar
"a Manila-based blogger made famous by his Atrocities of Friendster series, a regular feature he publishes on his blog where he mercilessly criticizes and mocks pictures of ugly people he stumbles upon on popular social networking site, Friendster. Although a lot of people are offended by what he writes, long-time readers of his blog regard him as a brilliant satire writer."
-Taken from my WikiBios page
